I’ve dated on nearly every point along the Western religion spectrum
from atheist to spiritual-ish to Jesus freak. In theory, if a guy hates Jesus,
it should be a deal breaker for me. But I’ve blurred the lines on that rule, probably
one time too many. For the most part it hasn’t been a major problem in the
early stages. Mostly due to a mutual respect for what the other individual
believes. Healthy conversations can be had without turning into conversion
attempts or all-out arguments. Much like a friendship on the same plane.
Except, unlike friendships, you may have to raise a child with this individual
so that can be a problem down the road.
Anyway, that’s beside the point. As I said, in the past these
relationships have functioned on respect and understanding. Until recently,
I’ve never encountered a situation where someone has actively tried to change
my faith. We went through a great debate when things finally came to a head.
Well not so much a debate as a berating of my faith. I was denounced as a
little fool for believing in a joke of a religion because I was “smarter than
that.” After this encounter I’m thinking it might be too dangerous to dip into
those waters.
I was floored that someone I cared about could belittle
something that is at the very core of who I am. I couldn’t reconcile the idea
that someone who thought me to be such a wonderful person could implore me to
change the very convictions that made me that person. It was a rather eye-opening
conversation. He couldn’t have meant all the things he had said about caring
about me or liking me because he basically loathed everything I stood for. So
often Christians get pigeonholed as this hateful, judgmental bag of tricks. But
even in my stalwart faith I have never launched a vicious attack of this nature
on a non-believer.
I know that our life paths all take very different turns and
that the curves in my road have made it easier for me to land on the proverbial
straight and narrow than if my life was dealt from his deck of cards. I
recognize that our unique trials and moments of peace shape our dogma. This
outlook is probably one of the main reasons I get involved with the wrong
people. In addition to the fact that I don’t fall into the pit of butterflies
and giggles very easily anymore, so when I get that twinge from someone, I
revert back to the stupid girl who loves (likes) blindly with no regard for the
logic that guides someone out of unhealthy relationships before they can start.
I’ve been able to erect a boundary in certain situations
before that feeling germinates, but if it takes root before deal
breakers are uncovered, I’m basically screwed for the duration. I was able to
extricate myself from this particular situation a month or so after the fact.
But it required much more power of will than it should have. And I’m still left
reeling more than I expected.
He actively hid his feelings about my faith in an effort to
keep our relationship going. I’m not sure what he hoped to accomplish long-term
with this. He could only keep his disdain from bubbling up for so long, and
then what was going to happen? He shared that he was ready to settle down and
could see doing that with me. So how could he marry someone who he couldn’t possibly
respect on the basis of her faith? Whatever, that part of it was somewhat
irrelevant to me because of the multitude of other reasons he wouldn’t make a
good life partner for me. I was trying to be casual and aloof about the whole
situation because since getting a taste of it, I was craving that connection.
But that was never going to work.
The end game for me is always going to be love, marriage,
baby carriage. I need to recognize that I can’t be easy and breezy when I feel
a connection with someone. I can’t even claim I was trying to change this one’s
mind to make him into the husband I want. I know he is where he is going to be
and I didn’t suffer from any delusions that would suggest otherwise. In high
school I might have thought, “all he needs is to be loved in the right way.”
But not with this one. I figured I could just dabble in him until I got
him out of my system. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to get him out of my system
without removing him from my life. Spending time with him was only weaving him
more intricately into my life and my nature.
Ultimately I learned something about myself I should have
always known. No matter how unsuitable an individual may be, even if the
thought of him being a long-term solution to that love problem is a damn
impossibility, I can’t remain detached. I was designed to feel and feel deeply.
Because I’m emo like that. By the time the hook is set, it’s too late for me to
not become immersed in the elements that make him who he is.
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