Unwitting Surrender

Like this, but far less adorable.

I slipped into subordinance before I even realized I had relinquished any control. He seemed innocuous. A broken soul I could nurse back to health without putting myself in harm’s way as I had once, twice, thrice before. I was smarter this time around. And the him was more wounded. Hardly fit to take control of his own life let alone mine. But before long the wounds gave way to subtle manipulation. A quieter domination I wasn’t prepared for.

I never felt trapped. My identity seemed to remain intact even as I made room for a vastly different existence than the one I had envisioned. I was strong enough to carry my life and help him discover his own. I clung to the idea that “every sinner has a future” and I could bring light to his. Everything his brokenness demanded I gave. Not realizing each attempt to stitch him back together was draining me.

It wasn’t until I tugged at the one lie my dignity wouldn’t allow me to ignore that 18 months of deception began to unravel. I quickly realized his brokenness was strategic. He was smarter than I thought. Or I was dumber than I cared to admit. Motivated by narcissism, each crack he revealed was a conscious choice to disarm. This is not to suggest that every fracture was lie. He’s genuinely a damaged individual. It’s simply a different brand of disease. One far more infectious than I was prepared for.

Now weeks and months after the web came undone, he desperately fights to maintain some semblance of control with lies that grow more flagrant with each ignored call. And it hardly seems fair. Haven’t I suffered enough? Granted I’ve suffered as a result of my own decision to let this individual infect my life. But I also made the decision to ask him to get gone. Form of blocked Facebook pages, filtered emails, changed locks, new phone numbers and now a potential move.

Each attempt at contact feels like a violation. Each decision I have to make as a result of his predatory behavior feels like I’m ceding ground. I’m backed into a corner without the freedom to determine basic aspects of my life trajectory for fear his path will strategically cross mine. I’ve banished his physical presence but he gets to preserve his hold. 

He continues to invade from thousands of miles away. I continue to surrender.

He gains ground when I go to extremes to block contact. I wave a white flag when I read each message that manages to slip through. I forfeit with tinges of guilt and lingering compassion despite the fact that the circumstances that warrant compassion are likely blatant lies.

Of the hundreds of emotions I’ve experienced in the past three months, I’ve found those I most deserve to express are those I have difficulty embracing. I’ve seen the wolf beneath the wool and I’m still fighting the instinct to dress his wounds when I should be nursing those he inflicted on me. I deserve to be angry and the very fact that I question that anger with each pathetic line he gives me about his reformation and inevitable demise adds to the conflicted mess.

It’s a strange type of conflicted. With one clear path free of his existence. He has earned his place as a memory and nothing more. It seems the only way to lock him there right now is to retreat. Even if a stronger person would be able to reclaim her ground by any means necessary, I may have to regain my strength by going under it.  

Crazymaking, Gaslighting and General Assholery

Today I read this article, which led to this article, which led to this. The CC article said it so well I really don’t have much to add other than anecdotal ranting, so that’s what’s going to happen now. You’re welcome to depart at this point. No one will blame you.

After I split with my fiancé for the final time, I spent weeks of therapy learning that I wasn’t (am not) crazy. The real eye-opener was this book. It read like a narration of the entire demented year and a half. It was then that I recognized the gaslighting that was going on inside of my relationship. Evans named it crazy-making, but the concept is exactly the same. He (or she) dismisses what you’re feeling or thinking as a dysfunction of your personality or entire gender in order to control the situation and, ultimately, you.

It’s really a genius tactic to employ if you are a diabolical jerk, because as women we are told for most of our lives that we are delicate, overly sensitive creatures. It’s the punch line of half of all sexist jokes (the other half being “IN THE KITCHEN”). And so we come to accept it as the way things are. Resigning ourselves to the fact that what we feel about things is often out of line, and all we can do is try to overcome our insane emotions with the help of a man who can show us what an acceptable reaction to life looks like.

I’ve been told I need to “just learn to let things go” when I’ve expressed disapproval of a behavior. It could be as simple as “I’m not happy with the way you handle that situation” and in his eyes it was an all-out attack at an extremely inappropriate time. Things like “you always overreact to everything” and “you’re just trying to start another fight” were thrown around at the slightest indication of a disagreement. It was perfect. He could never be wrong if I was deranged.  

A friend of mine is going through a version of this right now. The guy doesn’t necessarily come right out and suggest she check into an institution. He simply denounces how she feels on the basis of “this is who I am, don’t try to change me.” This is just another twist on gaslighting. It implies that there is something wrong with her judgment. Because we’re constantly reminded that we should never try to change someone. (And we should never change for anyone.)

But the thing is, changing someone and asking for disrespectful behavior to stop are two very different things. Behavior and identity, though intertwined, are not completely inseparable. So basically what this guy is saying is “I act like a jerk so that is who I am. I am a jerk. And I don’t want to improve my behavior in any way regardless of how it hurts the people in my life.” Good luck with that, buddy, I’m sure it will serve you well in all of your future endeavors.

The thing we have to understand is, what we’re feeling is valid. Regardless of what it is. His (I’m using “his” to represent all men you—or I—are or will ever be in a relationship with) reaction to “I was hurt by this thing you did” should never be “You’re nuts to feel that way.” Your feelings don’t make you nuts. If you chased after him with bowie knife because of how you felt, that would make you nuts. But that’s a reaction to a feeling, not the feeling itself. His response to “I’m hurt” should be “I’m sorry you’re hurt by what I did. Let’s talk about what we can do so you don’t have to feel like that again.” Even if he had done nothing wrong (psh yeah right), he has no right to invalidate what you’re feeling or who you are. His only right is to explain his point of view so you can come to an understanding together. Someone who cares about you should always be open to discussing how you’re affected by his behavior so long as you present these concerns respectfully (without the bowie knife). 

Check Your Baggage at the Door

I have little patience for people who use emotional baggage to justify treating someone poorly in any type of relationship. Our world has forged crutches and cultivated convenient excuses for individuals to use whenever they choose not to take responsibility for their own actions. My lack of sympathy for these individuals likely causes some dissent, maybe even anger. I simply don’t understand why anything someone endured in the past gives them permission to take it out on someone else, especially someone they “love.” The seriousness of the behavior can range from commitment issues to abuse.

Commitment issues seem to be the most common reason people invoke their past to make excuses for present behavior. Aside from the I’m-a-man-so-commitment-is-not-in-my-nature cop out, past shattered hearts seem to be the most common culprit. “I had a really bad break up when I was 15 and I just haven’t gotten over her” or “My first boyfriend broke my heart when he chose a college across the country.” I’m sorry, but c’mon who hasn’t had a broken heart? People overcome it and move on to happy, healthy relationships. It is possible, if they wasn’t, no one would be in a successful relationship. (Save for those lucky fools who met the love of their life in kindergarten and have been together ever since.)

Now some of these reasons may be legitimate psychological problems resulting from serious abuse in the past, but even these can be overcome. The biggest problem I have with commitment-phobes is that they must know they have these problems before entering in a relationship with someone, yet they knowingly choose to drag someone else into their mess. Is it really fair to get years into a relationship and then decide you will never marry the person you are with because when you were 18 your high-school sweetheart dumped you for the captain of the rowing team? Or worse, you hook up with every Tom, Dick and Harry then swear to Prince Charming that you only cheated because you never got over your abandonment issues.

Then there is the dirty fighter, the one who escalates a disagreement to an all-out love brawl with a few angry words and a couple nasty names. If they really have no respect for the person they are with, they will flippantly suggest breaking up every time they find themselves losing an argument. Most people, including myself, have fought dirty at one time or another, but there are individuals who immediately resort to these tactics. I’ve heard various excuses made about this behavior too: “His parents fought a lot and he never learned to communicate properly.” Or “I’m just scared of losing you so I’m testing you to make sure you aren’t really going to leave.” Regardless of what the justification is the truth of the matter is, using these tactics is destructive and manipulative.

The insidious dirty fighter actually boarders on and sometimes steps into the realm of abusive, yet I still hear people making excuses for their significant others. I, myself, have used the ever-popular, “he’s been through a lot in his life and has a hard time coping with it all.” Friends of mine have told me the people they are with mistreat them because of things in their past that they never dealt with before entering into a relationship. Why is that their problem? As crass as it may be to say this, it isn’t and they shouldn’t be penalized for it. The offending individuals should never get away with hurting another human being because they view themselves as damaged. Yet it happens more than we like to admit.

The majority of the time these lame excuses for misbehavior aren’t as serious as abuse, but I’m still astonished at what people get away with based on their own personal demons. Maybe it’s because we want people to be forgiving of our pitfalls or maybe we are closet enablers. Whatever the reason, we need to start recognizing the difference between helping someone cope with their past and allowing someone to control us with it.

I’m not suggesting everyone should end relationships they are in because their partner has baggage. I’m saying that people need to own their actions and those that have made excuses for their significant other’s behavior need to step up and demand that they get what they deserve in the present regardless of what has happened in their past. 

Love, Hate and Ikea

Nothing makes me relish my single status more than a trip to the Swedish, mid-range furniture Mecca. I have seldom left Ikea’s premises without witnessing at least one lovers’ spat. Most of which are completely absurd arguments over which trivets would go better with the Värde theme, or if this duvet cover effectively reflects both individual styles.

Recently my friend got a glimpse at an argument that escalated to the threat of physical violence. In the window treatment section a man raised his voice loud enough to make sure everyone in search of the perfect valance could hear that “sometimes I wish I could just punch you in throat.” Now assuming he would never actually hit a woman (domestic violence is no joke kiddies), this statement is slightly amusing.

I mean let’s really consider the disagreement that lead to this point. The trip must have started innocently. “Sugar plum, let’s go find some mod Scandinavian curtains to liven up our little love nest.”  “Sure, sweetiekins that sounds delightful.” Before you know it he mispronounces an umlaut and they are one snide comment away from smacking each other with the 2010 catalog while other home furnishing fanatics begin placing bets like it's the Rumble in the Jungle.

I’ve been guilty of the Ikea battle myself. In my defense, it was my significant other at the time who picked the ludicrous fight over my desire to split a Swedish meatball meal when he was so obviously famished. Staying true to the passive individual I was at the time and not wanting to cause a scene, I immediately apologized for my inconsiderate suggestion. He persisted and I became another contender in the Ikea ring.

Perhaps there is something about Ikea itself that raises the ire within unsuspecting couples. After all, the store is set up like a sadistic labyrinth, which is bound to cause lab mouse syndrome, rubbing raw every last nerve. In addition, it’s nearly impossible to make a trip at a time when every model room isn’t packed with 20-somethings furnishing their first home. Then there is the frustrating scavenger hunt in the Ikea warehouse. Finally, it all culminates with the strain of knowing that even if they successfully navigate their way through the store experience, when they get home their relationship will be tested to its limits as they attempt to assemble their new furniture.  

Or maybe angry, resentful couples just tend to be really into reasonably priced, assemble-at-home furnishings. Either way, this scene is blatant lie (curse you Hollywood). No couple leaves Ikea more in love than when they arrived, they are lucky to just make it out with their relationship intact. So if you are thinking of picking out a new entertainment center with your pooh bear, here are a few tips from a clinical psychologist on how to make it out without coming to blows, good luck.

Let the Bickering Begin

Recently a friend of mine, apparently seeking some misguided advice on his relationship, reached out to me. He and his girlfriend had begun arguing on a weekly basis and he wondered if this was normal, posing the question, “does every relationship ultimately get to the point where you argue constantly?” After prefacing my response with this caveat: “I haven’t been in a relationship for years and it’s been even longer since I’ve seen the inside of a functional relationship,” I addressed his concerns.

I told him that the honeymoon period eventually wears off in every relationship and arguing can be a sign of a healthy relationship with open communication. And although weekly squabbling seems a bit excessive, the manner in which these arguments are handled can indicate whether or not the relationship is healthy or even worth pursuing. It’s the notable difference between a disagreement and an all-out war.

If every relationship inevitably hits that point where perpetual fighting is the norm, I don’t want it. Although some people thrive on passionate friction, I would much rather not be at odds with a person with whom I choose to spend any portion of my life. I don’t think I’m alone in this. I can’t imagine that most stable adults would enjoy such a volatile existence. For this reason, I refuse to believe that constant conflict is the fate of every relationship. If it were, no one would venture into the romantic realm. Still, I have heard of couples who constantly fight but have never been happier (love is a funny, funny thing).

I personally have not been a relationship with constant bickering and been happy in spite of, or because of, the tension. With my penchant for over thinking, frequent arguments tend to send my mind into a damaging whirlwind. As I’m sure is the case with most people, my happiest relationships have been those where fighting was minimal and disagreements were solved as calmly and rationally as possible.

In most instances, I think incessant bickering is indicative of a need for maturation in one or both parties. It can be difficult not to go on the defense when conflict arises, especially with someone we care about. It seems the more we care about another person the more easily we are provoked by the slightest indication of an attack. This overreaction to disagreements often causes childish responses that we wouldn’t dream of in our interactions with any other adult. Name calling, raised voices and run-and-hide tactics are all go-to defenses of an emotionally immature individual.

These methods are unacceptable and inevitably detrimental in a relationship. Even after apologies the effects of childish, hurtful words chip away at us as well as the foundation of the relationship. Of course no one is perfect, we will undoubtedly turn to these juvenile tactics from time to time, but if we ever hope to have a healthy, functional relationship our battle should ultimately be with our immature natures rather than the person we supposedly love.

He Turns My Gray Skies Blue

This past week, I’ve come upon yet another completely obvious, but never-the-less important, requirement for my future Mr. Perfect. He needs to possess the inexplicable ability to transform my day regardless of where I’m at on the emotional spectrum. There are some people in my life who can completely turn my day around with a short conversation sprinkled with a few encouraging words. It’s not necessarily because they have brilliant advice to offer. They may not say anything more than a compassionate stranger would, but the level of trust and respect I have for them elevates their wisdom.

I’ve been amazed at how certain people can sponge out every negative thing I am feeling before I even realize what happened, even if they were the ones who caused the negativity in the first place. Very few of the men I’ve dated have been able to do this. It’s not for lack of trying. Most of my boyfriends have offered the obligatory supportive comments and a shoulder to cry on, but there were some things they just couldn’t fix. The fact is many of my friends have been able to cheer me better than any romantic interest I’ve had.

Perhaps it’s something that comes with the deeper understanding that develops after years of knowing someone and dealing with every up and down from one extreme to the other—bad hair cuts to untimely losses. Maybe it has nothing to do with the length of the relationship. Maybe it’s that the individuals who can successful lift my mood are those who genuinely care about me.

I think that might be one of the hardest things to find in a person, in friends or otherwise. By nature we are a selfish species and it’s rare to find that two-way street where both individuals care so much that that they are completely in-tune with each other’s needs.

As I mentioned before, I also think it has to do with the how much I respect the individual who is offering his (or her) support. For some reason a logical argument means so much more it comes from someone I admire. This is especially true when I struggle with issues in my career. When I get a vote of confidence from someone I view as successful it resonates much deeper than someone who doesn’t understand the meaning of drive and has no aspirations of their own.

So, as difficult as it may make my perpetual pseudo search for the ideal man, I sincerely hope I find someone who possesses the mysterious ability to turn even my grayest skies blue.

Note: I sincerely apologize for the cheese factor of this post.

Settle or Die (Alone)

There has been much controversy surrounding the book “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb, a middle-aged journalist and single mother. The idea behind the book is that women who are too picky end up alone. I have not read the book so I will refrain from criticizing, but it has brought forth some interesting discussions. Some people are up in arms, saying how dare she suggest that women settle for anything less than the best. Others completely agree with the idea that those who cling unflinchingly to their ideals will ultimately end up alone.

I understand that one can’t expect to capture the sickening romance found by America’s sweetheart-of-the-moment on the silver screen. I also realize that a man will have flaws, but it seems to me that I may be much happier alone than I would have been if I had compromised on the big things. I know that this might not necessarily be what Gottlieb was suggesting in her book, but I have been advised that my demands may be impossible to find.

I should probably tell you what these are before I get too much farther, then you can judge for yourself if I’m being idealistic or just looking out for my own happiness (and no I don’t demand that he be Gene Kelly reincarnated). The two biggest points of contention on my male must-have (or must-not-have) list are smoking pot and premarital sex. Now let me clarify; I am not expecting to find a man who has never done either of these things. In fact, I fully expect that my future husband will most likely have experienced both. I’m simply asking that while in a relationship with me, he not have sex before he gets married and that he not smoke pot. (Side note: these are personal preferences that I seek in a mate, not things that affect how I view every individual in the world.)

It has been insinuated that if I don’t compromise on one or both of these fronts, I have ultimately chosen life as an old maid. I refuse to believe this is true. I don’t think I’m being a hopeless romantic by wanting these things out of my life partner. I think a compromise of that magnitude would ultimately mean compromising the very core of who I am (at least with the premarital sex). Again, I haven’t read the book, but I don’t think that these are the kinds of compromises Gottlieb thinks we need to make.

What really confuses me is the women who take no stand on the big issues but then refuse to budge on the minor ones. Why is it that certain things like bad breath and unfortunate names can mean so much to a person while mutual respect means absolutely nothing? Is it a sign of a shallow person whose deal breakers are minor flaws? Or is it simply the mark of an insecure person who tolerates major character weaknesses?

I think what we should take from both sides of this argument is purely common sense. Humans are flawed, you will never find anyone who is perfect so don’t look for Mr. Perfect, but don’t settle for someone who is wholly incapable of making you happy either.