Crazymaking, Gaslighting and General Assholery

Today I read this article, which led to this article, which led to this. The CC article said it so well I really don’t have much to add other than anecdotal ranting, so that’s what’s going to happen now. You’re welcome to depart at this point. No one will blame you.

After I split with my fiancé for the final time, I spent weeks of therapy learning that I wasn’t (am not) crazy. The real eye-opener was this book. It read like a narration of the entire demented year and a half. It was then that I recognized the gaslighting that was going on inside of my relationship. Evans named it crazy-making, but the concept is exactly the same. He (or she) dismisses what you’re feeling or thinking as a dysfunction of your personality or entire gender in order to control the situation and, ultimately, you.

It’s really a genius tactic to employ if you are a diabolical jerk, because as women we are told for most of our lives that we are delicate, overly sensitive creatures. It’s the punch line of half of all sexist jokes (the other half being “IN THE KITCHEN”). And so we come to accept it as the way things are. Resigning ourselves to the fact that what we feel about things is often out of line, and all we can do is try to overcome our insane emotions with the help of a man who can show us what an acceptable reaction to life looks like.

I’ve been told I need to “just learn to let things go” when I’ve expressed disapproval of a behavior. It could be as simple as “I’m not happy with the way you handle that situation” and in his eyes it was an all-out attack at an extremely inappropriate time. Things like “you always overreact to everything” and “you’re just trying to start another fight” were thrown around at the slightest indication of a disagreement. It was perfect. He could never be wrong if I was deranged.  

A friend of mine is going through a version of this right now. The guy doesn’t necessarily come right out and suggest she check into an institution. He simply denounces how she feels on the basis of “this is who I am, don’t try to change me.” This is just another twist on gaslighting. It implies that there is something wrong with her judgment. Because we’re constantly reminded that we should never try to change someone. (And we should never change for anyone.)

But the thing is, changing someone and asking for disrespectful behavior to stop are two very different things. Behavior and identity, though intertwined, are not completely inseparable. So basically what this guy is saying is “I act like a jerk so that is who I am. I am a jerk. And I don’t want to improve my behavior in any way regardless of how it hurts the people in my life.” Good luck with that, buddy, I’m sure it will serve you well in all of your future endeavors.

The thing we have to understand is, what we’re feeling is valid. Regardless of what it is. His (I’m using “his” to represent all men you—or I—are or will ever be in a relationship with) reaction to “I was hurt by this thing you did” should never be “You’re nuts to feel that way.” Your feelings don’t make you nuts. If you chased after him with bowie knife because of how you felt, that would make you nuts. But that’s a reaction to a feeling, not the feeling itself. His response to “I’m hurt” should be “I’m sorry you’re hurt by what I did. Let’s talk about what we can do so you don’t have to feel like that again.” Even if he had done nothing wrong (psh yeah right), he has no right to invalidate what you’re feeling or who you are. His only right is to explain his point of view so you can come to an understanding together. Someone who cares about you should always be open to discussing how you’re affected by his behavior so long as you present these concerns respectfully (without the bowie knife). 

Happy Life Means Nothing to Write

As you may have noticed, I’ve been experiencing a bit of writer’s block as of late. Though that writer’s block may be attributed more to a dry spell that leads to two posts about the same scenario in which I get stood up. Wow. The more I write the more pitiful I sound, maybe that’s why I’ve lacked the motivation to post as of late.

Fact is, I’ve realized something I already knew, bad relationships (or just bad dating experiences) make excellent muses. They also help you to really appreciate the fruits of someone else’s turbulent love life. I have an embarrassing amount of playlists created to help me get over some scumbag guy. And now, with nothing driving me to a state of melancholia, all of this empowering Beyonce and commiserating Jeff Buckely lacks a purpose. I can barely remember what it’s like to need Schulyer Fisk to strum my pain with her fingers.

I always thought I loathed relational drama and that it served no purpose in a life I tried to build on solid ground. But now I’m starting to second-guess this theory. Maybe all those knockdown, drag-out fights with my ex were exactly what I needed in order to feel feelings? Ok, that’s a gross path to even hypothetically meander down. Pointless, hurtful fights are not worth the little ink on the page they may produce. Maybe I should just take my inspiration from the tragic, public altercations of others?  

Yes, I know I can find something other than broken relationships to spur my writing. I’ve essentially been doing that for the past two years. And crappy, uninspired short fiction by definition requires no inspiration. But getting over a relationship can also serve to be a great motivator for other things. After you make it through the “hand me my sweat pants and a box of Thin Mints my life is over and I am now going to commit suicide by overconsumption of processed sugar” phase, there’s the “I’m going to do everything I can to be a bigger, better version of the girl he dumped because screw him and I wanna win and all that jazz” phase.

This is the stage I really kind of miss. The one that makes you chop your hair (ok I do that without prompting too) and put on your running shoes. I remember it like a Rocky Montage with the single solidarity and woman empowerment section of the aforementioned playlists rocking in the background. You have visions of doing all the things you never got to do while you were in that stifling relationship. You are going to travel the world, learn a new language, move up in your career and become a concert pianist just because you are that good at life and you are going to prove it to him—er I mean yourself. Of course, many of these grand dreams of post-relationship greatness tend to be tempered by the reality of work, life and Cheesecake Factory’s Red Velvet Cheesecake. But still that feeling is pretty awesome while it lasts. And it’s a unique feeling really only experienced when coming out of that low period.

I realize how insane this all sounds. No one in her right mind would long for a break up. Well maybe Kim Kardashian because it means more publicity. Bam! Topical! (I am so, so sorry. That really was unacceptable.) Desiring a relationship? Sure, that’s normal, but the demise of a relationship? I guess I just miss the range of feelings a relationship can make you experience sometimes. Yes, I’m happy with my life right now and happy is a great feeling. And I get sad about things like a normal human being with a pulse. But there is an exclusive and entirely different set of emotions that can only stem from the ups and downs of interacting with someone who you allow to have a great deal of influence over your world because of loooove. And as much as I loathe to admit it sometimes, those feelings either side of the pendulum have merit and some of them are even—nice? 

Love, Hate and Ikea

Nothing makes me relish my single status more than a trip to the Swedish, mid-range furniture Mecca. I have seldom left Ikea’s premises without witnessing at least one lovers’ spat. Most of which are completely absurd arguments over which trivets would go better with the Värde theme, or if this duvet cover effectively reflects both individual styles.

Recently my friend got a glimpse at an argument that escalated to the threat of physical violence. In the window treatment section a man raised his voice loud enough to make sure everyone in search of the perfect valance could hear that “sometimes I wish I could just punch you in throat.” Now assuming he would never actually hit a woman (domestic violence is no joke kiddies), this statement is slightly amusing.

I mean let’s really consider the disagreement that lead to this point. The trip must have started innocently. “Sugar plum, let’s go find some mod Scandinavian curtains to liven up our little love nest.”  “Sure, sweetiekins that sounds delightful.” Before you know it he mispronounces an umlaut and they are one snide comment away from smacking each other with the 2010 catalog while other home furnishing fanatics begin placing bets like it's the Rumble in the Jungle.

I’ve been guilty of the Ikea battle myself. In my defense, it was my significant other at the time who picked the ludicrous fight over my desire to split a Swedish meatball meal when he was so obviously famished. Staying true to the passive individual I was at the time and not wanting to cause a scene, I immediately apologized for my inconsiderate suggestion. He persisted and I became another contender in the Ikea ring.

Perhaps there is something about Ikea itself that raises the ire within unsuspecting couples. After all, the store is set up like a sadistic labyrinth, which is bound to cause lab mouse syndrome, rubbing raw every last nerve. In addition, it’s nearly impossible to make a trip at a time when every model room isn’t packed with 20-somethings furnishing their first home. Then there is the frustrating scavenger hunt in the Ikea warehouse. Finally, it all culminates with the strain of knowing that even if they successfully navigate their way through the store experience, when they get home their relationship will be tested to its limits as they attempt to assemble their new furniture.  

Or maybe angry, resentful couples just tend to be really into reasonably priced, assemble-at-home furnishings. Either way, this scene is blatant lie (curse you Hollywood). No couple leaves Ikea more in love than when they arrived, they are lucky to just make it out with their relationship intact. So if you are thinking of picking out a new entertainment center with your pooh bear, here are a few tips from a clinical psychologist on how to make it out without coming to blows, good luck.

Let the Bickering Begin

Recently a friend of mine, apparently seeking some misguided advice on his relationship, reached out to me. He and his girlfriend had begun arguing on a weekly basis and he wondered if this was normal, posing the question, “does every relationship ultimately get to the point where you argue constantly?” After prefacing my response with this caveat: “I haven’t been in a relationship for years and it’s been even longer since I’ve seen the inside of a functional relationship,” I addressed his concerns.

I told him that the honeymoon period eventually wears off in every relationship and arguing can be a sign of a healthy relationship with open communication. And although weekly squabbling seems a bit excessive, the manner in which these arguments are handled can indicate whether or not the relationship is healthy or even worth pursuing. It’s the notable difference between a disagreement and an all-out war.

If every relationship inevitably hits that point where perpetual fighting is the norm, I don’t want it. Although some people thrive on passionate friction, I would much rather not be at odds with a person with whom I choose to spend any portion of my life. I don’t think I’m alone in this. I can’t imagine that most stable adults would enjoy such a volatile existence. For this reason, I refuse to believe that constant conflict is the fate of every relationship. If it were, no one would venture into the romantic realm. Still, I have heard of couples who constantly fight but have never been happier (love is a funny, funny thing).

I personally have not been a relationship with constant bickering and been happy in spite of, or because of, the tension. With my penchant for over thinking, frequent arguments tend to send my mind into a damaging whirlwind. As I’m sure is the case with most people, my happiest relationships have been those where fighting was minimal and disagreements were solved as calmly and rationally as possible.

In most instances, I think incessant bickering is indicative of a need for maturation in one or both parties. It can be difficult not to go on the defense when conflict arises, especially with someone we care about. It seems the more we care about another person the more easily we are provoked by the slightest indication of an attack. This overreaction to disagreements often causes childish responses that we wouldn’t dream of in our interactions with any other adult. Name calling, raised voices and run-and-hide tactics are all go-to defenses of an emotionally immature individual.

These methods are unacceptable and inevitably detrimental in a relationship. Even after apologies the effects of childish, hurtful words chip away at us as well as the foundation of the relationship. Of course no one is perfect, we will undoubtedly turn to these juvenile tactics from time to time, but if we ever hope to have a healthy, functional relationship our battle should ultimately be with our immature natures rather than the person we supposedly love.