Monday, August 19, 2013

Unwitting Surrender

Like this, but far less adorable.
I slipped into subordinance before I even realized I had relinquished any control. He seemed innocuous. A broken soul I could nurse back to health without putting myself in harm’s way as I had once, twice, thrice before. I was smarter this time around. And the him was more wounded. Hardly fit to take control of his own life let alone mine. But before long the wounds gave way to subtle manipulation. A quieter domination I wasn’t prepared for.

I never felt trapped. My identity seemed to remain intact even as I made room for a vastly different existence than the one I had envisioned. I was strong enough to carry my life and help him discover his own. I clung to the idea that “every sinner has a future” and I could bring light to his. Everything his brokenness demanded I gave. Not realizing each attempt to stitch him back together was draining me.

It wasn’t until I tugged at the one lie my dignity wouldn’t allow me to ignore that 18 months of deception began to unravel. I quickly realized his brokenness was strategic. He was smarter than I thought. Or I was dumber than I cared to admit. Motivated by narcissism, each crack he revealed was a conscious choice to disarm. This is not to suggest that every fracture was lie. He’s genuinely a damaged individual. It’s simply a different brand of disease. One far more infectious than I was prepared for.

Now weeks and months after the web came undone, he desperately fights to maintain some semblance of control with lies that grow more flagrant with each ignored call. And it hardly seems fair. Haven’t I suffered enough? Granted I’ve suffered as a result of my own decision to let this individual infect my life. But I also made the decision to ask him to get gone. Form of blocked Facebook pages, filtered emails, changed locks, new phone numbers and now a potential move.

Each attempt at contact feels like a violation. Each decision I have to make as a result of his predatory behavior feels like I’m ceding ground. I’m backed into a corner without the freedom to determine basic aspects of my life trajectory for fear his path will strategically cross mine. I’ve banished his physical presence but he gets to preserve his hold. 

He continues to invade from thousands of miles away. I continue to surrender.

He gains ground when I go to extremes to block contact. I wave a white flag when I read each message that manages to slip through. I forfeit with tinges of guilt and lingering compassion despite the fact that the circumstances that warrant compassion are likely blatant lies.

Of the hundreds of emotions I’ve experienced in the past three months, I’ve found those I most deserve to express are those I have difficulty embracing. I’ve seen the wolf beneath the wool and I’m still fighting the instinct to dress his wounds when I should be nursing those he inflicted on me. I deserve to be angry and the very fact that I question that anger with each pathetic line he gives me about his reformation and inevitable demise adds to the conflicted mess.

It’s a strange type of conflicted. With one clear path free of his existence. He has earned his place as a memory and nothing more. It seems the only way to lock him there right now is to retreat. Even if a stronger person would be able to reclaim her ground by any means necessary, I may have to regain my strength by going under it.  


3 comments:

  1. Great post. Do you think after 18 months and the time spent between you two, maybe the darn guy is just in love with you?
    I was in a similar situation years ago. My husband and I had our ups and downs. I left him for 6 months before I realized why he was acting out against me. During that time it was easier to not have someone contact you. I was always madly in love with him even while we parted our ways. All men have these issues you talk about. It's what makes them who they are. My husband is a desert storm vet and had issues for many years. He lied, cheated and stole. He had anger, temper tantrums, violent outbursts, etc. Once I began to research the reasons behind his behavior, I came to the conclusion that I was going to attempt to get him into couples therapy. It's because I understood what he dealt with and was dealing with. His brain didn't operate like that of your average American citizen. It was more similar to a child's. After forgiving him and many visits to couples counseling we both grew much closer then we both could have ever imagined. I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter here today too! Learning more about your partner and their problems can help you build a solid foundation. Remember, it takes two to tango. -Mb

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  2. EasyComeEasyGoBlogAugust 21, 2013 at 12:55 PM

    I'm so glad you were able to resolve things and find happiness with your husband. It does take two to tango and I spent a great deal of time trying to learn about his issues and help him address them, but it just didn't work out that way.


    Though I may understand why he was acting the way he was, it does not in any way excuse the way he treated me. It got to the point that I had to do everything I could to keep myself safe, and I hope others would do the same in a similar situation.

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  3. Suppose you don't mind that there is a blog up about you now?

    ReplyDelete