Monday, December 28, 2009

Yes, No, Maybe So

I’ve decided that, in dating, there is no other response more irritating than “maybe” when it comes to making plans. What does maybe mean? You deign to spend time with me if nothing better comes along? Are you playing a game? “Yes” I get. It means, “I would love to hang out with you, thanks for asking.” Although “no” can be a little muggy, is still decipherable. If you legitimately have plans, it just means “no.” If you have no plans, it simply means “I don’t want to see you.” Either way it is much clearer than “maybe.”

If you give me a “maybe” because you potentially have plans but nothing has solidified, I can grasp that. However, if your “maybe” is vaguely dependent on your mood that day, then forget it. I don’t need to be waiting on you to make a decision about my plans. If you don’t think I’m worth hanging out with when you have absolutely nothing better to do, then I’m sorry, but you aren’t worth my time when you do decide to make plans with me.

Being “maybed” puts you in such an uncomfortable position. Do you bring the subject up again? Do you even bother contacting the person in the meantime? I hate how much control I lose with a “maybe” answer.

Just yesterday, for the first time I asked a guy I’m seeing if he would like to do something this weekend. In the entire time we’ve been dating, I have never once initiated a phone call or a date. I didn’t want to put myself in the position where he could turn me down. But, I’ve started to like him and I have been thinking maybe I should be making more of an effort. So I floated an idea by him thinking there is no way he is going to say “no” if he isn’t busy. He has pursued me steadily for months now, so why in the world would he decline?

However, the answer I got was much worse than a flat-out “no.” He said “maybe.” My mind has been trying to grasp just what that means for the past couple days. In regard to the questions I posed earlier I decided that, no, I would not be bringing the subject up again. And, no, I will not be initiating contact with him in the interim. I actually made plans for the “maybe” day. Not really sure where this is going to land me but I know that I am fairly interested to see how this is going to pan out. Both for myself and for him.


  1. Gotta look at the overall picture with this guy. Is he normally the kind of guy who speaks clearly and means what he says? Or does he kind of leave things open to interpretation? Is he moody and does he take it out by dropping out of social life for a while? Does he say something to reassure you that he wants to see you, but just doesn't know if he can? Trust your intuition, and play the field in the meantime. That's what I do. :)

    Also, there are a couple of dating topics that I'd love to read your thoughts on. First, the passive-aggressive "fadeaway" - or when a guy decides after a few dates that he doesn't want to pursue the romance any further, and let's you know by... not saying a word or returning any of your calls ever again. Very immature and obnoxious. Second, the observation that in groups of men, one will often "call dibs" on a woman, as if he's claiming the exclusive right to pursue her without considering HER opinions, or her preference for perhaps another guy in the group. Equally annoying.

  2. It is so weird that you should bring up those topics because I have experienced both of them in the past month. You will see something soon.

  3. Don't women do the 'dibs' thing, too?

    If you're into someone, isn't it sort of understood that they're off limits to your friends until it's apparent that they're not into you?

    If I'm out with my pals and I know that one of my buds is into someone, I'm not going to go after her until my pal gives me the okay.

    I don't know. It just seems like the decent thing to do. I find it hard to believe that women don't do the same.

    So yes, I'm also curious to hear a woman's perspective.