Shut up, everyone, about the end of courtship

What a splendidly hypocritical way for me to come back to the blogosphere. Scolding relationship/dating experts who are desperately seeking page views, shares and retweets. But this topic has been weighing on me for some time and I wanna talk about it, dammit.

I’m completely disheartened by all the hookup culture/end of courtship talk. I know I’ve been in a relationship for over a year so it may seem that all of this should matter little to me. Especially considering we didn’t have a real, take-me-out-to-dinner date until a few weeks into our romance. But it makes me sad to think that singles everywhere are being told to put aside any expectations they have about dating and put up with inconsiderate, non-committal behavior.

It seems to be a byproduct of the constant lectures about being too available to the people we’re attracted to combined with new technology, stunted maturity and media that portrays hookup-only dating as the norm. But I’m not sure it is the norm, just because Girls says it is.

Just as “we accept the love we think we deserve” the same goes for the initial stages of that love. And the dating life we deserve/want looks different from individual to individual so it’s really a matter of finding someone whose expectations align with your own. If you want to be wined, dined, pursued and made to feel special, that’s exactly what you should demand.

That doesn’t necessarily mean writing off someone the second they send you a text at 10 p.m. asking if you care to meet up with a group rather than the one-on-one date you’d prefer. It’s about communicating those preferences. It’s your job to make what you want clear to a prospective partner. It’s their job to step up and comply or step down and leave you open to find someone who can.

I know it’s never that simple. Lonely people make concessions they shouldn’t. Deviant people make promises they have no intention of ever keeping. But at least acknowledging that not everyone—male or female—desires to be a part of the hookup culture is a step in the right direction. There are no real norms in this world. Especially when it comes to dating. So it’s a mistake to think you have to accept something that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable just because it’s “the norm” according to some relationship trend piece in a publication that will denounce the trend a year from now in favor of more traditional dating norms. Because, you know, vintage!

The older I get (a year and a half from 30 so I’m basically as wise as I’ll ever be) the more I shake off the expectations and norms I’m supposed to embrace so I can focus on what’s going to make me happy, healthy and well adjusted. And buying into every shocking new fad that crosses my computer screen threatens that happiness more than anything. 

Religion, Dating & Finding Out I Can’t Remain Detached

I’ve dated on nearly every point along the Western religion spectrum from atheist to spiritual-ish to Jesus freak. In theory, if a guy hates Jesus, it should be a deal breaker for me. But I’ve blurred the lines on that rule, probably one time too many. For the most part it hasn’t been a major problem in the early stages. Mostly due to a mutual respect for what the other individual believes. Healthy conversations can be had without turning into conversion attempts or all-out arguments. Much like a friendship on the same plane. Except, unlike friendships, you may have to raise a child with this individual so that can be a problem down the road.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. As I said, in the past these relationships have functioned on respect and understanding. Until recently, I’ve never encountered a situation where someone has actively tried to change my faith. We went through a great debate when things finally came to a head. Well not so much a debate as a berating of my faith. I was denounced as a little fool for believing in a joke of a religion because I was “smarter than that.” After this encounter I’m thinking it might be too dangerous to dip into those waters.

I was floored that someone I cared about could belittle something that is at the very core of who I am. I couldn’t reconcile the idea that someone who thought me to be such a wonderful person could implore me to change the very convictions that made me that person. It was a rather eye-opening conversation. He couldn’t have meant all the things he had said about caring about me or liking me because he basically loathed everything I stood for. So often Christians get pigeonholed as this hateful, judgmental bag of tricks. But even in my stalwart faith I have never launched a vicious attack of this nature on a non-believer.

I know that our life paths all take very different turns and that the curves in my road have made it easier for me to land on the proverbial straight and narrow than if my life was dealt from his deck of cards. I recognize that our unique trials and moments of peace shape our dogma. This outlook is probably one of the main reasons I get involved with the wrong people. In addition to the fact that I don’t fall into the pit of butterflies and giggles very easily anymore, so when I get that twinge from someone, I revert back to the stupid girl who loves (likes) blindly with no regard for the logic that guides someone out of unhealthy relationships before they can start.

I’ve been able to erect a boundary in certain situations before that feeling germinates, but if it takes root before deal breakers are uncovered, I’m basically screwed for the duration. I was able to extricate myself from this particular situation a month or so after the fact. But it required much more power of will than it should have. And I’m still left reeling more than I expected.

He actively hid his feelings about my faith in an effort to keep our relationship going. I’m not sure what he hoped to accomplish long-term with this. He could only keep his disdain from bubbling up for so long, and then what was going to happen? He shared that he was ready to settle down and could see doing that with me. So how could he marry someone who he couldn’t possibly respect on the basis of her faith? Whatever, that part of it was somewhat irrelevant to me because of the multitude of other reasons he wouldn’t make a good life partner for me. I was trying to be casual and aloof about the whole situation because since getting a taste of it, I was craving that connection. But that was never going to work.

The end game for me is always going to be love, marriage, baby carriage. I need to recognize that I can’t be easy and breezy when I feel a connection with someone. I can’t even claim I was trying to change this one’s mind to make him into the husband I want. I know he is where he is going to be and I didn’t suffer from any delusions that would suggest otherwise. In high school I might have thought, “all he needs is to be loved in the right way.” But not with this one. I figured I could just dabble in him until I got him out of my system. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to get him out of my system without removing him from my life. Spending time with him was only weaving him more intricately into my life and my nature.

Ultimately I learned something about myself I should have always known. No matter how unsuitable an individual may be, even if the thought of him being a long-term solution to that love problem is a damn impossibility, I can’t remain detached. I was designed to feel and feel deeply. Because I’m emo like that. By the time the hook is set, it’s too late for me to not become immersed in the elements that make him who he is. 

I’m So Awesome You Don’t Even Know

For those of us without Gwyneth legs, Marilyn eyes and Angelina lips (or, for the men, Brad abs, George eyes and Jon Hamm…well Jon Hammness), I think dating is a bit easier when we are forced to spend time with the potential love muffin prior to introducing romance to the situation. (Please don’t read this and then go off and kidnap that hot guy and hold him captive until Stolkholm syndrome sets in, you know that’s not what I mean.) I mentioned before that it’s easier to meet people in college, in part because you are around these people daily, giving love a chance to blossom gradually. Basically they get to know you and then they love you. In the real world it’s the opposite. I love you(r hair/eyes/biceps) so I will get to know you.

I understand this is a superficial world in which we live. Attraction matters. There is no two ways about it. But it can also develop over the course of getting to know someone’s more attractive traits. So his nose is a bit crooked, but his eyes sure sparkle when he talks about saving all those orphans. Maybe he’s thinning a bit on top, but that’s easily overlooked when those dimples set in as he’s happily making you a gourmet dinner. The same holds true for girls, guys. She might be a bit on the short side, but that smile is awfully bright when she’s making you laugh.

I look back on the guys I dated and while some are still pretty cute by traditional standards, I’ve had friends question my attraction to a few of them. But I had gotten to know each and every one of them over the course of months or even years and in most cases they became more attractive to me the more I got to know them. And the thing is this attraction would take more than a couple dates to develop. But why would you waste time trying to generate a romantic relationship with someone you aren’t attracted to just in case something about them will change your mind some day? There is also a chance that it won’t. So it can seem like a bit of a gamble.

But if you have a mutual group of friends you see on a regular basis or you work together or you take a creative writing class together and work on short stories in the same group, it can create a natural environment that gives you the opportunity to see that more attractive side over the course of time.

With the exception of one, every lasting relationship I had was the result of a gradual process. We cashiered together at our small town grocery store, we had classes together, our friends hung out. These guys got to know me and they came to love me. If they had just me at some bar they probably wouldn’t have approached me if we were forced to have three awkward dates before I really felt comfortable being my adorably (it is adorable dammit!) quirky self, I would have been eliminated in the first round. I’m an acquired taste, but man once you get there I’m downright delightful. I’m sure this is the case for many people. That’s why so many relationships still generate in the workplace, at college, from friendships or a myriad of other instances where you spend a fair amount of time together learning more and more about what makes the other person attractive.

Now, it’s true that you aren’t going to be attracted to some people no matter how much time you spend together. In fact, you may come to find them repulsive. So there still has to be some level of  “gee they are kind of cute” at some point, but it’s amazing how much other factors can contribute to making a person dreamy and irresistible to the right person. 

There's No Explaining Attraction

I’ve had countless discussions with various people about what makes a person attractive. I’ve debated with friends about whether or not a particular guy or girl is attractive, but when it comes down to it, beauty is highly subjective and there is no explaining it. I’ve seen an absurd number of women who, in my mind, are far more attractive than the men they are with.

I recently had a discussion with a friend about this phenomenon; he calls it out kicking their coverage. I tend to be attracted to men who are intelligent, driven and passionate about their chosen path in life. Oftentimes this has led me to pick guys who are less attractive than my other options (according to other people’s standards). I came to the conclusion that it all comes down to basic instincts.

Perhaps subconsciously, no matter how independent a woman is, all she wants is a man who can provide for her. And men, just want a pretty little thing by their side. This would explain why as women we have to work so much harder to attract a mate in terms of looks (i.e. makeup, shaving, hair color, heels, constrictive clothing, etc). It’s purely Darwin.

Through further examination of this theory I had a conversation with a friend who seems to be drawn to girls who are, in my opinion as well as others’, not very attractive. When I asked him about this his comment was that he never really has to compete with other guys for the girls he is interested in.

This intrigued me. Are we biologically programmed in some sense to be attracted to an easy target? I don’t think anyone will ever fully understand it. No matter how many scientific studies are done or surveys are conducted there are too many variables to decipher the rules of attraction.