Leaving with Nowhere to Cleave

The past year or so has been a new kind of struggle for me. My relationship with my family has been changing. In the sense that I’ve been growing into a more independent individual. I’m more private about my affairs. I don’t solicit opinions for every major life decision. This all probably should have happened long before my 27^th year, but some of us are slow learners ok? I’ve actually been making this journey for some time. Little steps here and there, but the ties of influence still remained stronger than they should for an adult child.  My decisions were still colored by the opinions of my parents. Essentially if Benjamin Moore made a shade called Parental Approval, my walls would have been covered with it.

The process has been somewhat painful in that change tends to sting. And my parents are having a difficult time of it. I think ultimately they will accept that the change in our relationship is a healthy one, and that it’s good that I don’t depend on them as heavily as I once did. But they still see it as losing their daughter on some level. It’s been difficult for all of us to find a balanced relationship that doesn’t require them to approve of everything I do. I attribute the abnormal amount of difficulty, in part, to my Christian background. Biblically speaking an individual leaves his or her parents and cleaves to their spouse.

But what happens to those of us who leave with nowhere to cleave? Without the logical breaking point signified by the life-altering rite of marriage, the transition can become muddled. We aren’t marrying as teenagers anymore. Some of us are waiting until our 30s, 40s or forever to tie the knot. When the wedding didn’t happen for me, I remained in this limbo between full adulthood and childlike dependence.

I know this isn’t the case for everyone. Most people (Christians and otherwise) probably figured out how to navigate around this archaic milestone to establish their complete independence on the first day of college, in their first apartment or after they took their first job. But not me. My dad was still the first person I called when my car broke down or when I lost my job. And it was great to have that relationship. I still hope elements of that will make their way into the new resurgence.

There are still things my parents instilled in me that will always be there. My core faith. My love and loyalty toward my family. But I’m beginning to accept that there may be dissonance on some of the lesser issues. And that doesn’t mean our relationship has to completely crumble. I think that’s been my biggest fear. Losing the relationship I have with my parents altogether. I’ve held on to what it has been. Refusing to let it change because if it’s not defined by the parent/child parameters, what could possibly be left?

I know. It seems stunted and ridiculous. But my identity has been so shaped by the eyes of my parents that if I disappointed them in even the smallest ways I felt I wasn’t being true to who I was. I’m learning now that being true to who I am is going to undoubtedly look very different than living the life my parents would want me to lead from time to time. Because it is not their own. This means I’m going to make some mistakes that I never would make if I followed every step my parents would take. But I’m also going to uncover a lot about what will make me happy in the long run.

It’s a bit scary. I know I’m going to disappoint them from time to time. And that is not a feeling I deal with very well. To their credit, they haven’t been unreasonably disappointed about much in the past, which is why I’ve come to value what they think to an unhealthy fault. But as my life has taken different turns and my path becomes more complex, I know I will choose a turn or two that they may not agree with. I just have to trust that altering our relationship does not mean ending it. And that I will always have a refuge in their home if I should ever need it despite diverging from the path they envisioned for me from time to time.

Religion, Dating & Finding Out I Can’t Remain Detached

I’ve dated on nearly every point along the Western religion spectrum from atheist to spiritual-ish to Jesus freak. In theory, if a guy hates Jesus, it should be a deal breaker for me. But I’ve blurred the lines on that rule, probably one time too many. For the most part it hasn’t been a major problem in the early stages. Mostly due to a mutual respect for what the other individual believes. Healthy conversations can be had without turning into conversion attempts or all-out arguments. Much like a friendship on the same plane. Except, unlike friendships, you may have to raise a child with this individual so that can be a problem down the road.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. As I said, in the past these relationships have functioned on respect and understanding. Until recently, I’ve never encountered a situation where someone has actively tried to change my faith. We went through a great debate when things finally came to a head. Well not so much a debate as a berating of my faith. I was denounced as a little fool for believing in a joke of a religion because I was “smarter than that.” After this encounter I’m thinking it might be too dangerous to dip into those waters.

I was floored that someone I cared about could belittle something that is at the very core of who I am. I couldn’t reconcile the idea that someone who thought me to be such a wonderful person could implore me to change the very convictions that made me that person. It was a rather eye-opening conversation. He couldn’t have meant all the things he had said about caring about me or liking me because he basically loathed everything I stood for. So often Christians get pigeonholed as this hateful, judgmental bag of tricks. But even in my stalwart faith I have never launched a vicious attack of this nature on a non-believer.

I know that our life paths all take very different turns and that the curves in my road have made it easier for me to land on the proverbial straight and narrow than if my life was dealt from his deck of cards. I recognize that our unique trials and moments of peace shape our dogma. This outlook is probably one of the main reasons I get involved with the wrong people. In addition to the fact that I don’t fall into the pit of butterflies and giggles very easily anymore, so when I get that twinge from someone, I revert back to the stupid girl who loves (likes) blindly with no regard for the logic that guides someone out of unhealthy relationships before they can start.

I’ve been able to erect a boundary in certain situations before that feeling germinates, but if it takes root before deal breakers are uncovered, I’m basically screwed for the duration. I was able to extricate myself from this particular situation a month or so after the fact. But it required much more power of will than it should have. And I’m still left reeling more than I expected.

He actively hid his feelings about my faith in an effort to keep our relationship going. I’m not sure what he hoped to accomplish long-term with this. He could only keep his disdain from bubbling up for so long, and then what was going to happen? He shared that he was ready to settle down and could see doing that with me. So how could he marry someone who he couldn’t possibly respect on the basis of her faith? Whatever, that part of it was somewhat irrelevant to me because of the multitude of other reasons he wouldn’t make a good life partner for me. I was trying to be casual and aloof about the whole situation because since getting a taste of it, I was craving that connection. But that was never going to work.

The end game for me is always going to be love, marriage, baby carriage. I need to recognize that I can’t be easy and breezy when I feel a connection with someone. I can’t even claim I was trying to change this one’s mind to make him into the husband I want. I know he is where he is going to be and I didn’t suffer from any delusions that would suggest otherwise. In high school I might have thought, “all he needs is to be loved in the right way.” But not with this one. I figured I could just dabble in him until I got him out of my system. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to get him out of my system without removing him from my life. Spending time with him was only weaving him more intricately into my life and my nature.

Ultimately I learned something about myself I should have always known. No matter how unsuitable an individual may be, even if the thought of him being a long-term solution to that love problem is a damn impossibility, I can’t remain detached. I was designed to feel and feel deeply. Because I’m emo like that. By the time the hook is set, it’s too late for me to not become immersed in the elements that make him who he is. 

Things Boys Say

This is the look they usually give whilst
delivering their clever lines.

Over the years, a number of men/boys/manboys have attempted to entice me into the boudoir using a variety of tactics. This is because I am just so darn irresistible—wait that’s not it—it’s because I was born with two X chromosomes. Most of these pleas are fairly laughable, including bragging about their adult film star physicality (yeah that happened) and explaining how they always wanted to cross someone like me off their bucket list (Oh, are you a Make-A-Wish kid? Let’s do this!). But some are just plain hurtful, like the scare tactic.

I’ve been informed that if I don’t appease my man’s desires before my religious beliefs permit, I will get cheated on. Even when I didn’t think I was getting cheated on by past boyfriends, they were, most decidedly, hooking up with some other bint. Because they’re dudes. So they’re wired differently. Oh yes, that’s right, I forgot, because boys are “wired differently,” they get a free pass to act like lustful animals with absolutely no self control.

Guys are so classy aren’t they? Ok that’s not entirely fair. I’ve dated some wonderful guys who have sincerely respected my boundaries, but it’s no fun to be snarky about decent dudes. The individual who blessed me with this warning had been cheated on in nearly every one of his relationships. So it would seem his willingness to engage in the forbidden extra curricular activities didn’t exactly serve as the safeguard he believed it would. Plus he was cheated on by girls. So apparently they were wired like boys? Whatever. He’s an asshat. Obviously.

I understand that it is difficult. Believe me do I ever understand. And I know that it must be even more trying if the decision to wait is not yours entirely, but a decision you inherit. Regardless of how it happens, it is never forced upon the other person. They can choose to be in a relationship with me or they can walk. They’ve bolted before and I’ve understood. But, as I said, it has also happened where they’ve stayed and we’ve gone on to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. For years at a time. Imagine that.

I’ve often struggled with what my choice means for my relationship path. I have known from the very beginning that it would cut my prospects drastically. And the older I get, the truer that becomes. But I’ve always come back to the conclusion that the guy I’m meant to be with will actually care about me as a whole person more than getting an all-access pass to my pants, skirt, leggings, or other bottom-wear. I’d even like to believe that my commitment to this decision is something they learn to love and respect about me.  

Submission and Feminism: Or, Will I Ever Find Equality with a Christian Man?

So for the most part we (we being crazy Christians) understand that whole “wives submit to your husbands” bit in the Bible is actually imploring spouses to submit to one another, because although the man is the “head of the household” (that term is ick) the passage goes on to say the husband must love his wife as Christ loved us. You know, in a get-tortured-and-die-on-the-cross-for-your-sake kind of way. That man has to do what’s best for you at all costs because Jesus says. Oh and because he kind of digs you too. That means even though the term “submission” seems antiquated and distasteful the actual practice of the instruction can be a part of a really beautiful and mutually respectful relationship. (P.S. It even says submit to one another right there at the beginning of the passage there, did you see that?)

I can get on board with that. Where I’ve run into trouble in the past is when “men” twist this and other parts of scripture into misogynist malarkey that allows them to control the relationship and treat women as simple-minded children on the basis that “men and women were created differently and have different abilities.” This is true. I can fully acknowledge that there are differences between men and women because I have eyes. And, contrary to popular chauvinist belief, a brain. My ire on this whole topic was recently heated to an uncommon boiling point after a discussion about Mark Driscoll’s book (which I’ve only read reviews of so I won’t get into my ill-informed opinions on that) led to a very brief, but very irritating debate about women as pastors.

The individual with whom I had this debate turned it into a statement on women’s abilities as he perceived them more so than a scripturally backed assessment of whether or not it’s Biblical for a woman to lead a church. Even if this standpoint ignores the social context of the verses that back it, I can respect the argument. And, I can respect the individual making the argument. However, when the basis for one’s opinion lies only in his view of whether or not a woman could be “good” at pastoring, comparing it to a man’s inability to breast feed (Yeah. That happened.), I’m inclined to reject the argument and change my opinion of the individual. The final straw was when he dismissed my thoughts on the matter as a reaction fueled by “misaligned feminist pride.” (Careful, honey, your bigotry is showing.)

Yep. He might as well have said, “Oh silly little girl. She thinks she can feel and speak like a man.” Because clearly the only reason I would be upset with someone for stating that it is physically impossible for a woman to do the things pastors do (like public speaking, leading committees, ministering to struggling congregants and studying and interpreting

Biblical teachings with his big brain) could be attributed to the absurd feminism I’ve been fed in all the years I’ve been outside the home with shoes on my feet and no baby in my belly. Of course he did say that women are better at some things than men. Like nurturing. Oh well thank you so much for throwing me that bone. Now I know I can contribute just like a man can. As long as I am a mother, a daycare provider or a nurse.

If pastors were required to fight off bears, drink copious amounts of booze and even drive, I may have been inclined to consider his conclusion that women are just unable to perform the duties of a pastor the way a man can.

He even admitted that some women may be “amazing teachers who teach the word of God” but don’t pastor churches for “the reasons [he told] me.” Those reasons being women aren’t suited to the role of pastor.  Now, I’m confused. Wouldn’t being “amazing” at something mean you are well-suited for it? Is he suggesting that a man who is a poor teacher is better suited to pastoral (not moo-cow pastoral, church pastoral) duties than a spiritually intelligent woman simply because he is a man? Guess it’s just too much for my wittle female mind to grasp.

Whatever, his asinine argument against women pastors and the topic of women pastors in general is beside the point. It’s what the basis of his argument says about his view of women that is actually the worst conclusion I drew from our abominable conversation. Like I said, had he presented biblical points rather than, what really amounts to attacks on the intelligence and capability of women, I could have walked away understanding and respecting the perspective.

Instead I became extremely upset about what this means for my future relationships. Because obviously the foundationless opinion of one man would shake my entire view of every Christian man in the world because I am an irrational woman and it’s what I do. This submissive/head of the household relationship only works if both the husband and the wife are viewed as equals in body, spirit and mind. Different but equal cannot mean different because one is intelligent and the other is equally intelligent…at making pot roast.

I’ve been in two too many relationships with “Christian” men who abused this spiritual leader status in order to exhibit control over me. And we weren’t even married. Sorry, sugarbottom, this rule doesn’t apply if I didn’t say “I do.” And when that “I do” does come, a healthy partnership can only exist if my loverkins views my opinions, emotions and concerns as valid rather than dismissing them as feminist drivel at the first sign of a disagreement.

The reason why this Southern (of course he is) gentleman’s opinion derailed me is because despite a number of factors working against a potential relationship even prior to this conversation, I actually kind of liked him. And he was/is a Christian. Who often complimented me on the fact that I was smart and funny. I now fear what he meant was “you’re smart and funny for a second-class citizen.” Which means the respectful Christian male is more rare than I thought?

I know this is quite the conclusion to jump to based on one very specific, heated discussion. But I have a hard time believing someone would make such base and simplistic arguments if they actually had a deep-seeded respect for the fairer sex.

My problem lies in the fact that I’m pretty damned traditional despite my “misaligned feminist beliefs.” I want to stay home with my kids if/when I pop those little suckers out. I believe that it will be beneficial for those boogers to have me around to shape their wee minds. I don’t, however, believe it is Biblically mandated that this is the only way to raise children. I think it’s a decision that has to be made within a family unit, with each parental entity’s opinion being equally considered in the final conclusion. I also like the idea of having a spiritual leader in my husband. My dad was the spiritual leader in our family (obvs). But I really don’t want to be led by some macho Neanderthal who believes that as said leader his voice is attached to a more fully developed cerebellum than my own. The beauty of the freedom God blessed me with despite cursing me with these awful ovaries is that I don’t have to marry someone like that. The drawback is, I’m narrowing down my options even more.

Maybe the problem is me. Maybe my Christian beliefs don’t reconcile with the idea that my spiritual thoughts are just as valid as a man’s. Upon hearing word of this discussion my friend Matt stated that we all have reasons we’re single “[this guy’s] is, he’s an a-hole.” Maybe mine is I’m a feminist (OH NOEZ NOT ONE OF THOSE) seeking equality in a relationship with a man whose belief system precludes that equality? I like to maintain that isn’t the case since I have seen the Christian relationship I long for in my parents, some friends’ marriages and in this sickeningly adorable couple. Alas, my quest continues.

Obligatory Annual I’m Single On Christmas Post

With the holiday season comes all those warm fuzzy feelings that often lead to the more single of us to wish Santa would bring us someone with whom we can share a series of eggnog-soaked activities. I can’t lie (obviously since I’ve over-confessed much to you fine people for the past two years), I’ve had my “All I want for Christmas is you, whoever you may be, because I have only a very generic idea of you in my mind” moments. I get doubly nailed with single awareness events given the fact that my birthday is this month as well. Which means I’m just one year closer to throwing myself a wedding-themed birthday party. (Not really. That’s just frightening.)

But I still adore this time of year with every tinsel of my being. And I can continue to embrace it whether unattached or in a relationship that lies in the balance just one thoughtless gift away from tipping in the wrong direction. The fact is being unattached this time of year does allow me to spend every moment of Advent the way I so choose. After all being in a relationship means splitting the holidays between two sets of families, companies, friends, etc. So, I get to selfishly go to Christmas parties where I’m not forced to make conversation with someone else’s gawky coworkers or prove myself to a volatile room full of potential in-laws.

But even if I experienced the crippling loneliness that is apparently suppose to overcome me this time of year, I don’t think I would take this route to remedy the problem. I understand (or hope) that there is humor intended in his proposal. But it’s still a li’l skeevey. Especially considering the fact that he is clearly playing on the insecurities of women who look for men on Craig’s List (she’s sexy, you know it’s true because she said it three times in the first two sentences). Ok, I shouldn’t judge. It’s online dating, the same as the sites I’ve tried, I suppose. But with a more abbreviated process and absolutely no security measures in place. (And fewer options ostensibly as every last one of the girls is either curvy or 120 lbs.)

Really I have no main theme (as illustrated by the complete lack of continuity) for this post other than the fact that it’s the Christmas season and I’m supposed to feel terribly alone and yet somehow I don’t this year. I guess I’m just railing against the expectation that I am required to loathe all things merry and bright because I’m single. The number of articles and Christmas specials that suggest my icy single heart must be so depressed this time of year (the Grinch being president of the lonely hearts club, of course) greatly outnumber any that suggest that this season means more than something singletons have to get through.

I’m not even sure why it has to be about being coupley. There’s Valentine’s for that. Sure it’s about family and looooove, but believe it or not, predictable media, single people have families too. We also have friends to love and share special Christmas moments with. So there! We’re not going to get down about our missing sleigh rider partners just because you (and sorta last-year me) say we should. We will do more than persevere. We will thrive and remember that the reason for the season (yeah I went with the Christian cliché) was single too. Heck yeah! And, as an added bonus, He loves us more than any husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or pet cat ever could.

Personally, I think remembering that could serve me well no matter what time of year it is. The understanding that no real validation will come from anything outside of Him makes finding someone re-enact creepy Christmas carols* with seem much less important.

*This is actually one of my favorite Christmas songs even if it is a bit date rapey

This Has To Be It.

Just waiting for the marriage train to pick me up...or run me over.

Sometimes I get the impression that love is like musical chairs. You switch loverkinses until the point when you are ready to settle down and once you reach that age or life-change, that chair better be available or you’re going home without any wedding cake. I have gotten myself into situations where I’ve stayed in a relationship because I had convinced myself that this has to be it. It’s the right time and he’s right here so this must be it.

As problematic as this thinking is in the midst of a relationship, it can be even worse as you begin a new relationship. I recently spoke with a friend who entered a relationship with that attitude. He had dated multiple people. He was at a point in his life where he was considering marriage and she was right there. She had to be the one. Unfortunately, it turned out to be more disastrous than matrimonious. He wouldn’t have let it go as far as it did, if he hadn’t already convinced himself that she was it.

We go into things with expectations of happy endings before we even get through the beginning. Suddenly red flags are easily dismissed as tiny idiosyncrasies that can be overlooked because this is your One. She/he has to be.

I think our biggest problems in love and marriage can stem from this idea that love, like so many other things in our lives, must fall within this neat little timeline. We go through the beginning of our lives meeting these deadlines with first words, potty training, kindergarten, high school graduation then college. Each step falls in place with the appropriate corresponding age. It only seems right that love, marriage and babies in the baby carriage should follow in kind. For years I was on track with this timeline. I dated in high school and college and as college drew to a close and I entered the workplace, I was engaged, just as should be expected. I would soon begin my career and family simultaneously. Then that came crashing down and I felt like a dateless girl a week before prom.

Now what? I had clearly fallen off the track and set myself back years. At the time, it was among the more devastating realizations that went hand-in-hand with a wedding that never would be. I had to shake this idea that life was a straight path. As a logical human being, I knew this. But I thought I had my path mapped out. Other people’s detours had nothing to do with my neat life blueprint. I was going to get my familial utopian dammit. It was the next thing on the life-fulfillment checklist. Right after get a job and just before become a corporate wonder who balances work and family effortlessly while also writing a short work of fiction on the side.

In the end, I came to love the new direction my life took after I had shrugged the burden of looming romantic deadlines (along with the idea that I had to climb the corporate ladder to be successful). Yet I still struggle with it. There are days when I am thrilled to be unattached. I realize that I won’t always be able to enjoy the freedom that comes with singledom so I should do everything I can to love it while I have it. That feeling would stick with me nearly every day if I could just know when that chapter in my life would be complete. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works (a-duh). This not knowing can be unnerving. And the trap of believing that the next one must be The One can be an easy one to fall into with the uncertain nature of love and all things romantic. Dumping the expectations of happily ever after on each new guy you date isn’t fair to him or you.

Eschewing this pressure of “I need to know when” can be difficult, but lesson number 10 of this post helped put things into perspective for me. I can do very little to control how, when and where I meet the man o’ my dreams. No matter how much I put myself in a position to meet new potentials, I can’t find the one who sticks like it’s some treasure hunt. There are no clues I can follow. I can only be who I am and enjoy my life as it is now (pretty damn great), the rest is up to God. It’s on Him.

I’ve often lamented the fact that it is more difficult for me to find my doodlebug due to the restrictions my faith puts on my romantic expectations. But, if I look at it from Lauren’s angle, it should make it easier in some ways. Because it isn’t in my control. It’s in God’s control. Now granted the girl is getting married at 23, so her experience with singlehood is fairly limited in the grand scheme of things. But she did meet her loverboy on Twitter of all places. From halfway across the country. After a fairly mixed up dating history by her own account. That has to have something to do with grace, though you could give the credit to Jack Dorsey I suppose.

No matter how you look at it, overthinking love takes the romance out of it. Worse yet, putting your life on hold as you wait for your man simply because you have this order of events laid out in your head and the next step is contingent on Prince Charming can waste precious years. Finding your one and only shouldn’t be a square you land on before you can advance to Go and collect the rest of your future. The path along the way can be just as rewarding and is most decidedly different for every person. Some lucky girls will find him early on while others have more time to mature and fly solo before the big I Do. And ultimately some woman may choose (le gasp!) to be happy as a bird on her very own for her whole life.

Wow. That got all touchy feely and positive…next time “Boys Suck and Always Will.”

Laying it Bare

More Sunday mornings than I would like, I wake up and a feeling of guilt sets in as I remember the series of mistakes I’ve made the night before. Most of these errors in judgment are considered standard behavior for a 26-year-old single on a Saturday evening: one drink too many, dancing in a manner that wouldn’t exactly make my mama proud, associating with men who are not the righteous type (and not in an '80s catch phrase kinda way—sorry bad joke in an effort to break the tension of an altogether too serious post), etc. But these seemingly mild-mannered mistakes set my floundering Christian heart reeling with guilt. There have been times when I’ve purposefully slept through church to avoid driving the self-loathing stake deeper as I’m surrounded by fellow church goers who I’m convinced have it all figured out.

Even writing this is causing some discomfort. Partially because I’m opening up my shortcomings to the world at large, but mostly because I’m laying it bare in front of my Christian friends. And while they are not the type to throw stones, I admire them and don’t exactly want them to see me as the giant ball of sin I am.

No, this is not an easy post to pen, but I was inspired by this guy. And while my behavior may seem less disgraceful than porn addiction and reckless sex, I’m no less ashamed. Especially considering the fact that I’ve succumbed to my weaknesses in the much more recent past than Max’s three years. But I came to the realization that wrapping myself up in a cocoon of chagrin is not going to make things better. Especially when I saw how God battled Max’s demons when the hapless sinner finally admitted to himself (and God) that he was not strong enough to do so on his own.

I realize that this is a bit off-topic from my usual singlehood narrative, but it all ties together. It’s likely that I’m way off base (as I so often am), but I get the impression that singles struggle silently in their sin more than others do. In my conversations with singletons (more specifically Christian singletons) and through reading blogs like Make It Mad, I realized how hard we work to put on a front and pretend it’s easy to battle temptations that seem designed to specifically derail the singles of the world. Temptations like the drinking that goes hand-in-hand with the social life of a young single. Or compromising our bodies in an effort to either feel loved or to keep someone we love.

For me personally (and I’m sure for others), I fear that admitting these things are actually a struggle for me will make me look weak in my faith. Especially when there have been times that I’ve felt the very act of being single is sinful in the eyes of some. Now I realize that most Christians don’t share this view and God certainly doesn’t, but one of my weaknesses is that I feel I have more to prove. This all makes it even more difficult for me to open up about my shortcomings. In turn, I don’t get the guidance I need, so I continue to do the very thing I hate. It’s a cycle that I hope I can break by owning my shame and asking for help. Even if it does open me up to embarrassment and possible judgment from others. Because pretending I don’t struggle is only going to lead me to further rely on my own strength to resist my demons. The same strength that has failed me so many times before.

The Online Saga Part Two: The Christian Angle

So a few weeks ago I decided to plunge into the world of online dating. I signed up for a slew of sites in hopes of finding one that would squelch my internal judgy feelings toward online dating. After a very scientific decision process (by scientific I mean completely at random with special consideration given to sites that seemed the least skeevy), I chose to evaluate Christian Dating for Free, Love and Seek, Zoosk, and eHarmony.

Essentially the first two are Christian sites the latter two are only limited to individuals desperate enough to try online dating. I thought the Christian-based sites would be a place where I could, you know, find a nice, normal Christian guy. Turns out I may have been wrong. At least with regard to the normal requirement (silly me, always setting my standards too high).

Christian Dating for Free

I chose this one to get my feet wet. After all, it’s free and it’s for Christians, so what could possibly go wrong? Well, nothing really went wrong, but nothing really came of it either. There were not a lot of options because I’m guessing the membership count is minimal compared to some of the larger, less specific sites. Additionally, I got the impression that a lot of members had been M.I.A. for some time. Most of the profiles that actually piqued my interest had been inactive for months.

One of my biggest issues with this site as well as the other Christian sites was that each person felt the need use their entire profile to express their love of Christianity. I know, I know, what did I expect? I am proud of my faith, but as much as it defines who I am, it isn’t the only thing I am. I mean, you are on a Christian dating site, I get it, you loves you some Jesus. But there has to be something else interesting about you. Do you read? Enjoy travel? Whittle small cat figurines out of fallen oak trees? I mean if all we were was our faith all Christians would be identical and it wouldn’t matter how we paired off. So, Christian lads, all I’m asking is give me something more to work from here.

Love and Seek

For all the nothing that happened with the Christian Dating for Free site, a whole lot of wrong happened on Love and Seek. The saccharine name alone was almost enough to send me running the other direction, but it seemed reputable enough. It was actually recommended in an article about online dating because the membership base was broad and diverse. In reality, the members in my area were limited and the only people who actually contacted me were men old enough to be my father (and yes some literally old enough to be my grandfather). You’d be surprised at the incredibly dirty feeling that accompanies a * kiss kiss * message from a gray-haired old man when you’re 26 years old.

The few people who weren’t in the geriatric stage of their life appeared to be foreign princes who would eventually implore me to deposit money in an offshore account so they could free themselves from the evil reign of their father and then inherit millions.

Still, no one could be outdone by the individual who sent me a rather creepy note in which he actually ordered me to respond regardless of whether or not I was interested. In his profile he demanded that his lucky future bride be a virgin who would submit to him and never, ever cheat on him or he would divorce her. Scary stuff. Needless to say, I closed out of this account before my one-month trial was up.

Maybe other Christian sites would be a better fit, but it seems I’ve actually had a bit more luck with the broader sites. That’s a discussion for another time though…(How’s that for a cliff hanger?)

The Relationship Paradox of the Little Bit Wicked

I recently finished reading “A Little Bit Wicked: Life, Love and Faith in Stages”, the Kristin Chenoweth memoir. I honestly picked it up because I wanted something fluffy and light to pass a weekend stranded indoors due to the Midwestern Snowmageddon of 2010, but I was surprised by how much I could relate to the content. In addition to being a petite sprite with a fantastic rack (ok, only half of that is relatable), she is a dyed-in-the-wool Christian who perpetually struggles with the duplicity of her nature especially in terms of love. She loves her some Jesus, but can’t escape the draw of the witty intellectual whom she has aptly dubbed Mr. If Loving You Is Wrong I Don’t Want To Be Right.

I know many women face this issue of being attracted to the wrong guy, but in my attempts to lead a life befitting of my belief system I find myself in a more twisted quagmire than most. I have a friend whose faith and oddly subversive bent mirror my own and she encounters the same issues.  For those who walk that straight and narrow with limited curiosity for what lies outside the path before them, settling down with the straight-laced Christian guy and making oodles of straight-laced Christian babies is so natural that it’s easy to slip into that role and fall for the perfectly nice guy. And those unrestrained by conventional religious moral codes can embrace that somewhat dark side of their psyche and fall unabashedly in love with Mr. Wrong without being a hypocrite.

I think something went wrong when I was created. Perhaps I was supposed to be twins. One twin destined to be the good little angel who is elated to settle down with a bore as long as he was a good provider with a strong faith. The other a rebellious child who completely rejects what she is supposed to want and gladly embraces the tenebrous elements of her nature. I keep telling myself that this friend and I cannot be the only people on the planet to feel this way and we certainly can’t be an exclusively female species, because that’s just cruel.

My outlook on this situation of mine has been worsened by Christian guys who have misused faith as a way to control me, to the point where it has stifled that part of me that doesn’t quite fit into the 700 Club mold. I’m not saying I’m an uncontrollable, unrepentant hellion, but you’d be surprised what guys with corrupt “Christian” views will construe as sinful.

Even amongst those who have their head on straight and their faith figured out, I struggle to find someone who sparks my interest. I need someone with an edge. I don’t necessarily seek someone who is naughty, but I’d appreciate if he could be and just chose not to act on it. Guys who don’t have a wicked bone in their body are boring and those who have an entirely wicked skeleton are dangerous. I long for someone with a vexatious femur. I know that seems insane to a normal, rational human being. And it probably is; therein lies my dilemma, I may be certifiable.

As much as I battle with the oxymoron that is my proverbial type, I don’t want to change that inconsistency of my nature. That inconsistency isn’t sinful and it’s one of my most unique characteristics. Why would I want to alter something that is so undeniably me, even if it would make the path to Mr. Loving You Is Just the Right Amount of Wrong less treacherous and a heck of a lot shorter?

I don’t mean for this to be a self-indulgent, woe-is-me-I’m-so-misunderstood post, though it certainly sounds that way. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Am I crazy? Or is what I’m looking for actually in existence somewhere?

Sinful Singlehood

In my time as a single girl I’ve been praised and I’ve been pitied for a status that really doesn’t have much to do with anything I have or have not done in the grand scheme of things. And now, I’ve encountered a new perspective on my single status. Apparently, it’s flat-out sinful. As the only single person in my Bible study (13 people, that’s right everyone else in the group attends with their spouse), things naturally tend toward the awkward side for me. This week, however, brought forth a level of discomfort akin to watching a David Lynch sex scene with your parents (or just watching a David Lynch film in general). This discomfort occurred when the discussion turned to marriage as it correlates with the will of God.

One couple in the group was married while they were still in school. They explained how most of their friends and family were completely against their college nuptials, but they really felt that God was calling them to get married. This, however, wasn’t what raised my ire. What was upsetting to me was that the defense of their decision suddenly turned into an attack on those who don’t marry young.

It was suggested that the world tells us we need to establish ourselves, figure out who we are and begin a career before we settle down (perish the thought!) and this isn’t Biblical. They even went so far as to say that remaining single after a certain age is a sign of religious immaturity. An individual who is 35 and still partying is selfish and juvenile.

It was at this point that I had to jump in. I began my statement of defense by explaining that my singlehood wasn’t an assault on the will of God. The fact that I’m single has nothing to do with me following the “ways of the world” over God’s way. Marriage just hadn’t happened for me at this point and I am OK with that. It doesn’t mean I’m immature or selfish. It just means I’m on a different path than apparently everyone else in the group, and it hasn’t been an easy path by any means. In my opinion it is a much more difficult path with regards to Christianity.

In defense of the individuals who made the remarks, I don’t think they honestly believe it is sinful to be single. I think it was more an attempt at being supportive of the couples who chose to marry young. And the comments certainly don’t reflect the view of the church body as a whole. In fact, this church has been one of the best in terms of embracing its single population of any I’ve ever attended.

Still, this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like my lack of a wedding band might as well be a big red S emblazoned on my chest (no I’m not referring to Superman). Despite the Apostle Paul’s thoughts on matrimony, there are a number of Christians who look down on single individuals for a myriad of reasons, some of which were enumerated in the “against God’s will” speech on Wednesday evening. And though it’s never been a view accepted by any denomination that I’m aware of, many of churches have a long way to go in making the single contingency feel like they belong on the same level as the families. Sure they have teen groups and outreach programs for college students, but once you get that diploma you better be paired off or you’re on your own from this point forward.

It’s hard enough to be a Christian single of a “certain age” without being made to feel like a pariah in the very place that is supposed to offer sanctuary from the struggles of the world. Christians who are fortunate enough to have found their smoochie bear while they were still in diapers should be supportive—not judging—of singles. (Also, keep in mind that “supportive” does not mean “patronizing” or “condescending.”) Understand that though their path is different from yours, it isn’t the wrong path. Be respectful and mindful of how you broach the subject of marriage and singlehood.

I’m not saying any of this to discourage singles from attending church, just the opposite. I know it’s easy to feel like you are completely alone—I’ve certainly been there—but you’re not. So, embrace who you are as an single and do what you can to bolster others in the same position. Christian singles should become a very vocal minority in their churches so that thoughtless, short-sighted individuals (also in the minority and also very vocal) don’t alienate singles to the point of driving them away from the church and Christianity altogether.  

SWF Seeks Church

Of all the struggles a single girl must face, most people wouldn’t think that finding a church would be one of them. However, when you take into consideration the fact that most churches are completely comprised of young families and older couples, it can start to feel like a quest for a Mommy and Me group rather than a place to worship.

I started filtering out churches based on the timing of their women’s bible studies. Many were held in the middle of the day when no single woman with any semblance of a career could attend. From there I tried out a few churches and most of their services centered around the family and coping with struggles in a marriage—not exactly something a 20 something girl without even a glimpse of marriage on the horizon can relate to. Thankfully I came across this points system to assist me in my search.

It’s not that the sole reason I attend a church is to be validated in my current life situation, but it would be nice to find someplace that can offer me some sort of spiritual guidance without subtly indicating that I went wrong somewhere along the way because I haven’t hitched myself to a nice man on the straight and narrow and started producing little miracles. Also, the spiritual needs of a single person are different from those in a family and it is necessary that a church be equipped to meet those needs just as readily as it meets the needs of its married parishioners.

I was grateful when I found the Urban Refuge. From the moment I walked in the doors I was thrilled with the atmosphere. The congregation was a mix of people from all walks of life including singles and families. I was greeted by an individual in the church who made sure that I felt welcome (but not in a creepy, cult-like kind of way, you know what I’m talking about). The sermons have been about improving our relationships with everyone in our lives as well as our relationships with God rather than our marriage relationships. I’ve only attended a couple times, but I think this church has found the balance that many haven’t even bothered to reach for.

The Last Virgin Standing

At what point in our adult lives did it become assumed that sex was going to be a part of our relationships? When I dated in high school and early on in college, if a person within the relationship had sex prior to entering the relationship he or she was expected to reveal that at some point. Now it seems that the tables have turned.

Those who know me remotely well know that I have made a decision to not have sex until I get married. It’s not something I broadcast to strangers but it’s not exactly a secret either. Every guy I’ve ever dated up until this point has been aware of it long before we started dating. This is because I usually hang out with the guys I end up dating in non-romantic social situations before I begin dating them.

Now I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve had to tell someone I started dating that I’m not going to sleep with him. We’ve known each other for a couple months and have hung out a few times. I didn’t know how or when to bring it up because, although it’s not something I’m hiding, it is a personal detail that I don’t blurt out right away. When I did tell him he was upset that I didn’t tell him sooner. Essentially he told me that if he had known sooner he wouldn’t have taken the time to get to know me and now he has to go through the process of getting over me.

To be honest I don’t feel bad about not revealing that part of me before I did. Most people don’t go around broadcasting all the things they do or have done in the past or hope to do in the future. However I do understand that it may be a deal breaker for some people. Not everyone can handle it. It’s unfortunate for me but I’ve come to accept it. I realize that I’ve limited myself by making the choice to not have sex, but as I’ve said before I refuse to settle and in the long run I will be a happier person because of it.

The hardest part of this for me is that I end up feeling like I am doing something wrong to the point that I am undatable. Realistically I know that isn’t the case. I know that it just means I’m not compatible with everyone. This aspect of who I am just seems to make my single life all the more challenging.