Unwitting Surrender

Like this, but far less adorable.

I slipped into subordinance before I even realized I had relinquished any control. He seemed innocuous. A broken soul I could nurse back to health without putting myself in harm’s way as I had once, twice, thrice before. I was smarter this time around. And the him was more wounded. Hardly fit to take control of his own life let alone mine. But before long the wounds gave way to subtle manipulation. A quieter domination I wasn’t prepared for.

I never felt trapped. My identity seemed to remain intact even as I made room for a vastly different existence than the one I had envisioned. I was strong enough to carry my life and help him discover his own. I clung to the idea that “every sinner has a future” and I could bring light to his. Everything his brokenness demanded I gave. Not realizing each attempt to stitch him back together was draining me.

It wasn’t until I tugged at the one lie my dignity wouldn’t allow me to ignore that 18 months of deception began to unravel. I quickly realized his brokenness was strategic. He was smarter than I thought. Or I was dumber than I cared to admit. Motivated by narcissism, each crack he revealed was a conscious choice to disarm. This is not to suggest that every fracture was lie. He’s genuinely a damaged individual. It’s simply a different brand of disease. One far more infectious than I was prepared for.

Now weeks and months after the web came undone, he desperately fights to maintain some semblance of control with lies that grow more flagrant with each ignored call. And it hardly seems fair. Haven’t I suffered enough? Granted I’ve suffered as a result of my own decision to let this individual infect my life. But I also made the decision to ask him to get gone. Form of blocked Facebook pages, filtered emails, changed locks, new phone numbers and now a potential move.

Each attempt at contact feels like a violation. Each decision I have to make as a result of his predatory behavior feels like I’m ceding ground. I’m backed into a corner without the freedom to determine basic aspects of my life trajectory for fear his path will strategically cross mine. I’ve banished his physical presence but he gets to preserve his hold. 

He continues to invade from thousands of miles away. I continue to surrender.

He gains ground when I go to extremes to block contact. I wave a white flag when I read each message that manages to slip through. I forfeit with tinges of guilt and lingering compassion despite the fact that the circumstances that warrant compassion are likely blatant lies.

Of the hundreds of emotions I’ve experienced in the past three months, I’ve found those I most deserve to express are those I have difficulty embracing. I’ve seen the wolf beneath the wool and I’m still fighting the instinct to dress his wounds when I should be nursing those he inflicted on me. I deserve to be angry and the very fact that I question that anger with each pathetic line he gives me about his reformation and inevitable demise adds to the conflicted mess.

It’s a strange type of conflicted. With one clear path free of his existence. He has earned his place as a memory and nothing more. It seems the only way to lock him there right now is to retreat. Even if a stronger person would be able to reclaim her ground by any means necessary, I may have to regain my strength by going under it.  

Blocked & Breakups

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I thought when my relationship ended, so would my writer’s block. Well it never really was writer’s block, just more respect for the individual I was sharing my days with for awhile. But it seems to have just gotten worse. Maybe it’s because it’s not really over for me yet. (Yes I know. I’m stupid, crazy, deluded, enter similar adjective here.) Maybe I just need time to decompress. Whatever it may be I’m going to force a post in hopes of restarting the rusty word processor.

So let’s see topic. Breakups. Yes. Let’s talk about breakups. But in a very disconnected way that is not reflective of my personal life whatsoever, because I haven’t even really spoken to you in 18 months, guys. Stop trying to pry. Geeze.

Some people handle breakups with such grace and peace. “You’ve enriched my life, thank you for being a part of it during this time. We must part now, go forth and be happy.” Others down whiskey until they can’t feel feelings. Others bounce to the next as though the love from the previous is completely transferrable like a store exchange. This one wasn’t the right fit; let’s try the medium.

Even within each of my own breakups the approach has changed. I’ve had the breakdowns, I’ve had the amicable parting, I’ve left for someone else, I’ve slammed the door shut and I’ve pined for a reconciliation. So all these articles and books about how to survive a breakup seem ridiculous.

You get half the length of the relationship to move on. Nope just two weeks for every month.

Don’t watch romcoms, but allow yourself to mourn.

Don’t ever speak to him again. Well what if you have a child together?

Don’t jump into a relationship too soon. What about those fabled people who go on a date a week after the breakup and end up marrying the person?

Know it’s better to be single than with someone who isn’t right for you. Yeah, ok but who said anything about being sad because you’re single. Maybe you’re sad because you love the jerk and you can’t just turn it off. 

There’s nothing worse when going through a breakup than overused platitudes and plenty of fish speeches. Especially considering that most breakups past high school and even college are nowhere near simplistic. Lives become more intertwined (mostly due to my inability to set up appropriate, healthy boundaries). Baggage from each relationship compounds to mismatched sets that never really make sense no matter how much you analyze your relationship patterns.

So as long as I’m functioning in the world and not breaking down completely, can’t I just handle being torn from someone the way I want? If I want to create an epic breakup playlist and listen to it on repeat for months after the fact, give me that. If I want to binge on Gilmore Girls and cry every time Jess wrongs Rory, it’s my choice. If I want to continue conversations the guy who wronged me, please be patient.

I will say my friends have been phenomenally understanding as I walk through this season. So none of this could be directed at them. Most of the worn-out “forget that jerk, buck up and get yourself out there” talk has come from unsolicited, acquaintance-level sources.

I wish I was better at putting it all behind me. Dispelling the hope and dismissing the ghost. But I’m not. Especially in these uncharted breakup circumstances. And I have no idea what I’m doing aside from taking it one day at a time like a love-struck alcoholic who manages to go about her regular life with an ambiguous hole where a boy used to fit so nicely.  

(Ed note: I apologize for this awkward reintroduction. I promise these will get better as I stretch my muscles and sort out my life a bit more.)

Leaving with Nowhere to Cleave

The past year or so has been a new kind of struggle for me. My relationship with my family has been changing. In the sense that I’ve been growing into a more independent individual. I’m more private about my affairs. I don’t solicit opinions for every major life decision. This all probably should have happened long before my 27^th year, but some of us are slow learners ok? I’ve actually been making this journey for some time. Little steps here and there, but the ties of influence still remained stronger than they should for an adult child.  My decisions were still colored by the opinions of my parents. Essentially if Benjamin Moore made a shade called Parental Approval, my walls would have been covered with it.

The process has been somewhat painful in that change tends to sting. And my parents are having a difficult time of it. I think ultimately they will accept that the change in our relationship is a healthy one, and that it’s good that I don’t depend on them as heavily as I once did. But they still see it as losing their daughter on some level. It’s been difficult for all of us to find a balanced relationship that doesn’t require them to approve of everything I do. I attribute the abnormal amount of difficulty, in part, to my Christian background. Biblically speaking an individual leaves his or her parents and cleaves to their spouse.

But what happens to those of us who leave with nowhere to cleave? Without the logical breaking point signified by the life-altering rite of marriage, the transition can become muddled. We aren’t marrying as teenagers anymore. Some of us are waiting until our 30s, 40s or forever to tie the knot. When the wedding didn’t happen for me, I remained in this limbo between full adulthood and childlike dependence.

I know this isn’t the case for everyone. Most people (Christians and otherwise) probably figured out how to navigate around this archaic milestone to establish their complete independence on the first day of college, in their first apartment or after they took their first job. But not me. My dad was still the first person I called when my car broke down or when I lost my job. And it was great to have that relationship. I still hope elements of that will make their way into the new resurgence.

There are still things my parents instilled in me that will always be there. My core faith. My love and loyalty toward my family. But I’m beginning to accept that there may be dissonance on some of the lesser issues. And that doesn’t mean our relationship has to completely crumble. I think that’s been my biggest fear. Losing the relationship I have with my parents altogether. I’ve held on to what it has been. Refusing to let it change because if it’s not defined by the parent/child parameters, what could possibly be left?

I know. It seems stunted and ridiculous. But my identity has been so shaped by the eyes of my parents that if I disappointed them in even the smallest ways I felt I wasn’t being true to who I was. I’m learning now that being true to who I am is going to undoubtedly look very different than living the life my parents would want me to lead from time to time. Because it is not their own. This means I’m going to make some mistakes that I never would make if I followed every step my parents would take. But I’m also going to uncover a lot about what will make me happy in the long run.

It’s a bit scary. I know I’m going to disappoint them from time to time. And that is not a feeling I deal with very well. To their credit, they haven’t been unreasonably disappointed about much in the past, which is why I’ve come to value what they think to an unhealthy fault. But as my life has taken different turns and my path becomes more complex, I know I will choose a turn or two that they may not agree with. I just have to trust that altering our relationship does not mean ending it. And that I will always have a refuge in their home if I should ever need it despite diverging from the path they envisioned for me from time to time.

Crazymaking, Gaslighting and General Assholery

Today I read this article, which led to this article, which led to this. The CC article said it so well I really don’t have much to add other than anecdotal ranting, so that’s what’s going to happen now. You’re welcome to depart at this point. No one will blame you.

After I split with my fiancé for the final time, I spent weeks of therapy learning that I wasn’t (am not) crazy. The real eye-opener was this book. It read like a narration of the entire demented year and a half. It was then that I recognized the gaslighting that was going on inside of my relationship. Evans named it crazy-making, but the concept is exactly the same. He (or she) dismisses what you’re feeling or thinking as a dysfunction of your personality or entire gender in order to control the situation and, ultimately, you.

It’s really a genius tactic to employ if you are a diabolical jerk, because as women we are told for most of our lives that we are delicate, overly sensitive creatures. It’s the punch line of half of all sexist jokes (the other half being “IN THE KITCHEN”). And so we come to accept it as the way things are. Resigning ourselves to the fact that what we feel about things is often out of line, and all we can do is try to overcome our insane emotions with the help of a man who can show us what an acceptable reaction to life looks like.

I’ve been told I need to “just learn to let things go” when I’ve expressed disapproval of a behavior. It could be as simple as “I’m not happy with the way you handle that situation” and in his eyes it was an all-out attack at an extremely inappropriate time. Things like “you always overreact to everything” and “you’re just trying to start another fight” were thrown around at the slightest indication of a disagreement. It was perfect. He could never be wrong if I was deranged.  

A friend of mine is going through a version of this right now. The guy doesn’t necessarily come right out and suggest she check into an institution. He simply denounces how she feels on the basis of “this is who I am, don’t try to change me.” This is just another twist on gaslighting. It implies that there is something wrong with her judgment. Because we’re constantly reminded that we should never try to change someone. (And we should never change for anyone.)

But the thing is, changing someone and asking for disrespectful behavior to stop are two very different things. Behavior and identity, though intertwined, are not completely inseparable. So basically what this guy is saying is “I act like a jerk so that is who I am. I am a jerk. And I don’t want to improve my behavior in any way regardless of how it hurts the people in my life.” Good luck with that, buddy, I’m sure it will serve you well in all of your future endeavors.

The thing we have to understand is, what we’re feeling is valid. Regardless of what it is. His (I’m using “his” to represent all men you—or I—are or will ever be in a relationship with) reaction to “I was hurt by this thing you did” should never be “You’re nuts to feel that way.” Your feelings don’t make you nuts. If you chased after him with bowie knife because of how you felt, that would make you nuts. But that’s a reaction to a feeling, not the feeling itself. His response to “I’m hurt” should be “I’m sorry you’re hurt by what I did. Let’s talk about what we can do so you don’t have to feel like that again.” Even if he had done nothing wrong (psh yeah right), he has no right to invalidate what you’re feeling or who you are. His only right is to explain his point of view so you can come to an understanding together. Someone who cares about you should always be open to discussing how you’re affected by his behavior so long as you present these concerns respectfully (without the bowie knife). 

Check Your Baggage at the Door

I have little patience for people who use emotional baggage to justify treating someone poorly in any type of relationship. Our world has forged crutches and cultivated convenient excuses for individuals to use whenever they choose not to take responsibility for their own actions. My lack of sympathy for these individuals likely causes some dissent, maybe even anger. I simply don’t understand why anything someone endured in the past gives them permission to take it out on someone else, especially someone they “love.” The seriousness of the behavior can range from commitment issues to abuse.

Commitment issues seem to be the most common reason people invoke their past to make excuses for present behavior. Aside from the I’m-a-man-so-commitment-is-not-in-my-nature cop out, past shattered hearts seem to be the most common culprit. “I had a really bad break up when I was 15 and I just haven’t gotten over her” or “My first boyfriend broke my heart when he chose a college across the country.” I’m sorry, but c’mon who hasn’t had a broken heart? People overcome it and move on to happy, healthy relationships. It is possible, if they wasn’t, no one would be in a successful relationship. (Save for those lucky fools who met the love of their life in kindergarten and have been together ever since.)

Now some of these reasons may be legitimate psychological problems resulting from serious abuse in the past, but even these can be overcome. The biggest problem I have with commitment-phobes is that they must know they have these problems before entering in a relationship with someone, yet they knowingly choose to drag someone else into their mess. Is it really fair to get years into a relationship and then decide you will never marry the person you are with because when you were 18 your high-school sweetheart dumped you for the captain of the rowing team? Or worse, you hook up with every Tom, Dick and Harry then swear to Prince Charming that you only cheated because you never got over your abandonment issues.

Then there is the dirty fighter, the one who escalates a disagreement to an all-out love brawl with a few angry words and a couple nasty names. If they really have no respect for the person they are with, they will flippantly suggest breaking up every time they find themselves losing an argument. Most people, including myself, have fought dirty at one time or another, but there are individuals who immediately resort to these tactics. I’ve heard various excuses made about this behavior too: “His parents fought a lot and he never learned to communicate properly.” Or “I’m just scared of losing you so I’m testing you to make sure you aren’t really going to leave.” Regardless of what the justification is the truth of the matter is, using these tactics is destructive and manipulative.

The insidious dirty fighter actually boarders on and sometimes steps into the realm of abusive, yet I still hear people making excuses for their significant others. I, myself, have used the ever-popular, “he’s been through a lot in his life and has a hard time coping with it all.” Friends of mine have told me the people they are with mistreat them because of things in their past that they never dealt with before entering into a relationship. Why is that their problem? As crass as it may be to say this, it isn’t and they shouldn’t be penalized for it. The offending individuals should never get away with hurting another human being because they view themselves as damaged. Yet it happens more than we like to admit.

The majority of the time these lame excuses for misbehavior aren’t as serious as abuse, but I’m still astonished at what people get away with based on their own personal demons. Maybe it’s because we want people to be forgiving of our pitfalls or maybe we are closet enablers. Whatever the reason, we need to start recognizing the difference between helping someone cope with their past and allowing someone to control us with it.

I’m not suggesting everyone should end relationships they are in because their partner has baggage. I’m saying that people need to own their actions and those that have made excuses for their significant other’s behavior need to step up and demand that they get what they deserve in the present regardless of what has happened in their past.