First Kiss(es)

All first kisses should involve matching nordic sweaters.

My first kiss moment occurred when I was but a lass of 15. Astyn B. was hosting an end-of-the-year party on her parent’s farm. (I don’t count the one inside the Kindergarten playhouse from Dylan or the time Tadd F. pinned me down in the gym in 3^rd grade.) For most of the night I had been flirting with Josh P. as adeptly as any newly minted sophomore can (I’m sure he remembers my suave moves a bit differently). He was one of the taller boys with brown eyes that I thought revealed a very deep teenage soul. He had such style about him in his polyester Adidas shirt, which had a melted spot where the bonfire spark landed. It was one of a collection. GQ model material right there.

I remember how the defeat washed over me when Astyn told me my parents had arrived to bring me home. All of the progress I made that night would come undone over an entire summer spent in separate towns with no hope of an accidental cafeteria run-in. In the next moment my disappointment vanished as Josh grabbed my arm, turned me around and planted a passionate, tight-lipped kiss on my surprised mouth. It was like kissing a Muppet, Burt or Kermit the Frog or one of the other ones without lips (so not Janice). It was…completely thrilling.

I felt like a woman. A tingly, twitterpated woman. I just knew every future kiss would be measured against this electrifying smack.

My relationship with Josh P. blossomed into absolutely nothing after months of “what does it all mean?” and remains a friendship to this day. Despite the anti-climactic conclusion, I remember it as one of my most idyllic first kisses.

In girl talks over the past week I’ve discovered that some girls have amazing luck when it comes to their various first kisses. One friend has had inaugural pucker moments during beach walks, moonlit nights and romantic Valentine’s dinners. Another during a Pam & Jim-esque iPod dance. Meanwhile the rest of us get sudden kiss attacks in the midst of watching a movie, booze-soaked smooches and juvenile, “I’m going to kiss you now” moments. No soft embraces as the snow falls around us or passionate moments in the rain after a declaration of love for this girl. It’s probably because I’m not selective enough about the mouths I allow near my face.  

Prior to this conversation, I just assumed over-the-top romantic beginnings didn’t happen outside of grating rom coms. But now my low expectations are shattered. The bar has been raised. Unfortunately, I’m not exactly in a position to be moving any sort of first-kiss bar since the boyfriend wouldn’t likely approve. Maybe I should cut him off from my lips for a week and make him do it all over again. This time as we’re decorating the Christmas tree, Nat King Cole will play in the background and I’ll fall off the ladder I’m using to place the star on top, right into his arms and he will kiss me ever so softly as we laugh in the twinkling lights. Yep. That’s how I want my spontaneous next first kiss to happen.

Is That Supposed to be a Compliment?

One of the few connections I made online dating that had any sort of promise at all was met almost immediately with the challenge of distance. Cosmic circumstances brought him out of my state and into another with no definite return date. It was unfortunate because he had the makings of great potential.

We continued to chat for nine months or so, but never really broached the topic of where it would lead, because it couldn’t lead anywhere hundreds of miles away. I guess this isn’t entirely true. For some people the distance would have been a minor bump in the road. But I have endured so many medium-length distance relationships in my past life that I didn’t have much of a desire to delve into a long distance one.  Especially one that would likely end in tears or relocating to the southern U.S., which would entail an entirely different brand of weeping.

As it was, we never ventured beyond flirtatious daily gchats, a handful of emails, some texting and a lone phone call. Throw in a rather thoughtful birthday gift and it became an “if only” situation. The “if only” turned into “oh forget it” when we had this conversation. He apologized a couple days after that disaster, but the regularity of our discourse dropped to almost never and a couple weeks later I met the current boy, so I didn’t give much more thought to the matter. Just another missed connection.

Circumstances being what they were, you can imagine my surprise when I received a text from him a month later.  

Dude, this is probably totally inappropriate, but I found the “Oklahoma you” and I’m totally gaga!

My thought process broke down thusly:

1. Where did you come from?
2. What about that is inappropriate? Weird and unnecessary, yes, but I don’t know about inappropriate.
3. The real inappropriateness lies in your needless use of quotation marks.
4.  I don’t really want to think that there is another me out there somewhere, especially a version with a southern accent.
5. Is that supposed to be a compliment?
6. Who says gaga?

I said congrats, made some quip about my love life and passed along this blog address after he requested it (hopefully he’s forgotten that at this point, because I can’t imagine he’d be thrilled to read this). He then compared the situation to some Seinfeld episode that explains how men are more attractive to other women if they’re with a pretty girl. This made little sense to me. I have never seen the episode because I kind of hate Seinfeld, but I imagine you’d have to be seen in the vicinity of the pretty girl for it to count. We were never even in the same room let alone in a relationship. Whatever, he called me pretty, so I guess there’s that. But, honestly, the whole interaction came off as some sort of  “I found a girlfriend” victory dance.

I just didn’t see the need for that conversation to take place. If I had sent him some alluring text begging him to take me in the worst way, then fine, by all means ward me off by telling me about your ah-may-zing girlfriend. But this was more akin to screaming “DON’T TOUCH ME I’M TAKEN” as some pretty girl extends her hand for a simple handshake. I’m probably reading too much into it as per my M.O. I’m sure it was nothing more than a friendly notification, however unnecessary it may be. But guys, seriously, don’t send weird texts with thinly veiled backhanded compliments about how you found someone to fill the gaping hole in your existence to some girl you stopped corresponding with a month prior. She doesn’t really need to know how happy you are with someone slightly better than her.

Image via LOLbrary

Speed Dating: A Review

Speed dating: because that biological clock of yours
is only going to tick faster.

I’ve always wanted to try speed dating. I have no idea why. Maybe because that particular scene in the occasional rom com always looks so delightful. Maybe it’s because my least favorite part of the pickup is the part where you have to actually walk over to the human person who piqued your interest and speed dating has that approach built right in. Maybe I’m just a sucker for awkward situations and forced connections. And hey, it’s blessed by a rabbi! Whatever my twisted reasons were, when given the opportunity to try out this creative take on arranged unions, I jumped at it.

The whole thing took place at a friend’s apartment complex, which seemed to mean we would get absolutely no variety in personalities. I also quickly realized that dudes have no idea how to diversify their relationships. Most were in the IT field and they invited their friends, also in the IT field. Anyway, we were each provided with a nametag, sheet of paper and a number. If we felt a love connection within six minutes of talking to a complete stranger, we were to write their number down. We would receive their contact information at a later date.

Though we were provided with unique sample questions it seemed difficult to diverge from the standards: “What do you do?” “Where are you from?” I even got a, “What was your major?” Yep, five years removed from the ivy-covered halls (who am I kidding my Alma Matter just had a few bushes outside the registration building) people are still using the “what’s your major?” line.

I was just as guilty of monotony as the next person, but in my defense when I tried to throw out something different, but it hit a hard wall, never to return again. I told one guy I would not answer the “what do you do?” question and asked who his favorite super hero was. I might as well have asked who his favorite 19^th Century Russian realist fiction novelist was (Tolstoy being the correct answer of course) because he couldn’t even muster up a “Superman.” So I tried something different, favorite word. His response? “Pass.” Not because pass is his favorite word, but he just couldn’t name a word he liked (serendipitously being the correct answer of course). To be fair, not everyone is word nerdy like me (thank God for that). So the fault may have been my own. Maybe I should have asked his favorite computer program or something. 

I think part of the problem existed in the sheer number of participants. It was nice that plenty of people were rowing along side me in the good ship Desperation, but six minutes with 20 people starts to get a little long. This was exaggerated by the fact that we had an inelegant happy hour prior to the event itself. Kudos for lubricating everyone’s conversational wheels, but who really wants to drink cheap beer with a bunch of strangers they are about to have forced, stilted conversations with?

I wrote one number down as a match and it was apparently not a love connection on his part, because I never heard anything further from the sadist architects of the event. I don’t know why he wouldn’t have written my number down in return. Probably he couldn’t see it. Or probably he thought I was a pretentious shrew who talks unintelligently about her favorite 19^th Century realist fiction authors.

All in all, it wasn’t a terrible experience altogether. It was good for me to practice striking up interesting conversations with strangers. A useful skill in dating and in life commonplace. I would probably try it again in a different setting. One that would foster a little more variance in personality types perhaps.

Unspoken Rules And The Girls Who Unwittingly Break Them

I feel like this little guy. (Sheepish-cut me some slack, it's late)

Many moons ago, I apparently broke an unspoken rule about not kissing a guy (who we’ll call Narcissus) when his friend (we’ll call him Dodger), who just so happens to be your friend, likes you but never told you he likes you no matter how much nothing the kiss meant to you. Narcissus, who apparently knew that the liking was going on is completely off the hook though even though he was more aware of the wrong that was happening than you were. Are you confused? Me too.

I had formed a friendship with Dodger (again he’s the offended party in this mess) after going on a terrible date Narcissus. (The one I ultimately ended up kissing during a night of birthday reverie and folly.)

Side bar: I hope Dodger doesn’t feel further mistreated as the subject of today’s blog. But honestly, he’s not talking to me anyway so I can’t imagine this is going to make the situation much worse.

And we’re back. The whole interaction was a mistake. I was feeling all lonely and unloved and a slew of other stupid things that could only be brought on by birthday shots, and I chose to react in a not-so-appropriate manner. I didn’t make any dangerous decisions or do anything terribly destructive, but the whole encounter ended up being a bit embarrassing. So yeah, it wasn’t my crowning moment, and maybe that is why Dodger was so disappointed in me in the first place.

Fast forward to a couple weeks later and I’m hanging out with the Dodger and Co. He reveals that it has come to his attention, not 30 minutes earlier, that I had done a lil smoochin’ with his friend, Narcissus. I ashamedly admitted to my indiscretion and made a flippant remark about the stupidity of the whole event. He didn’t let on that this bothered him in the least. But after that night our friendship went from biweekly coffee sessions and downtown outings of the same frequency to crickets. Absolute radio silence. I attempted on a number of occasions to set up coffee sessions, happy hours, dance offs, and more. I heard nothing back. He had joined the ranks of the disappearing many. But the difference this time was the complete and utter lack of romantic involvement.

Then, by chance, I happened to see Dodger while out for happy hour with my work chicas. He said “hello” and I got right into “why did you completely disappear?” because I’m smooth like that. He offered some lame, mumbling excuse about how he had been neglecting all of his friends lately because he was just feeling distant or some other diplomatic spin. I pretended to accept it and let him get back to his date.

Weeks later I met up with a few stragglers, including Narcissus, from the group of Dodger's core friends and asked for a straight answer about the Houdini act. They couldn’t believe my naiveté. Apparently this guy had liked me (according to the friends, I’ve obviously never been able to pin him down to confirm or deny these claims). And the fact that I had shown his cad of a friend some undeserved affection and given him none had completely changed his view of me.

Now I don’t blame dear Dodger entirely, as I said, it was not my proudest moment. But make a crack about my undiscerning lips and move on if that’s all this is about. If it is more than that, if he actually liked me, this whole silent treatment move is completely unfair. Naïve or not, I had no idea this guy liked me. He had attempted to set me up with numerous friends. We had countless conversations about girls he was dating and how he had some serious hope for a few of them. Hell, he even shared his less-than savory one-night-stand stories, and they were a lot less PG than mine. So what gives? Why do I come out the heartless trollop in this whole scenario? And is there anything I can do to fix it.

I’ve contemplated calling him out on the amorous claims of his friends, but wouldn’t even know where to begin. Would I send him a Facebook message? A Text? Call? He wouldn’t respond in any of these instances. And if his friends are right, the confrontation will only alienate him further. I considered sending a lengthy apology about how I was unaware of his I-don’t-wanna-be-just-friends thoughts. Explain that I never meant to hurt him with my bad decision. But even that wouldn’t gain much response I imagine. Plus, if his friends were wrong, if he never, ever imagined me as more than just the awkward sister-like girl who he’d tolerate on occasion, I’d look like a narcissistic moron. So I feel like I’ve been forced into a corner of no return. I have no choice accept the fact that our friendship has come to the end of it’s road and let it go.

It just seems rather unjust. Ever the people pleaser, I want to fix the situation somehow. Plus it certainly sucks that I lost one of the first new friends I made after my move to the cold, unfeeling city (ok maybe it’s just cold). We didn’t know each other for long, but I certainly enjoyed his company and miss the friendship we did have. In addition to being one of my first new-locale friends, it was one of the only solid male friendships I had formed since college. Still, it wouldn’t be the first friendship I lost (and that one was seven times longer and even dearer to me). So I guess there’s nothing more to do, nothing more than letting him be.

But if by chance you do read this, Dodger, I am very sorry if I hurt or disappointed you in some way. I certainly didn’t mean to and wish that I had never made the decision I made that fateful evening for a number of reasons. Not the least of which is the fact that I lost your friendship in the course of it all. Again, I do apologize and hope maybe you will forgive and forget some day. I will even grant you one free day of mercilessly mocking me for my moronic move. It will be fun! What d’ya say?

The Great Text Debate

The Cowardly Lion says, "Texting is A-OK!"

I have gone around and around with a friend of the male-type persuasion about whether or not it is acceptable to text for a date. More specifically, the first date. In my apparently antiquated opinion, a call always trumps a text message in early dating situations. To me, a call indicates a higher level of respect than a flippant text. To him, I’m “weird” and “stuck in the ‘90s.” In his defense, I still struggle to swallow the concept of an e-book. I like my printed books dammit! They smell nice and look really pretty and pretentious on my oversized bookshelves.

Thanks to the blessed technology of the Internet (see Matt I don’t eschew every advancement), I found all sorts of goodness to back my stance. Unfortunately, so can he (he said both Vanity Fair and Esquire had pro-text articles…I couldn’t find them…In fact, I really couldn’t find much of anything…can anyone help him out?). In my personal, non-scientific and completely biased survey, all other friends insisted a first-date text was unacceptable. A similar survey conducted by Matt over state lines yielded very different results. I quipped that his sampling pool consisted of girls who weren’t exactly in relationships with the most respectful men per his own anecdotal evidence. But it did nothing to allay his “calling is for fuddy-duddies” stance.

Breaking up with someone via text is universally frowned upon and, to me, the big “it’s not you it’s me” is far more uncomfortable than the initial ask out. So why would it be acceptable to show less respect for someone you are trying to impress in the initial stages of dating bliss? I understand that, in these two situations, you have established a deeper relationship with the individual you are breaking up with and you should even go a step further and have the conversation face-to-face, but the respect issue still stands.

Not only is it more respectful, but a text seems down-right cowardly. The main reason a guy chooses to text rather than call is because he is afraid of rejection. If you call, you’re more likely to get a “yes” for an array of reasons. Not the least of which is women love a confident man. And a call shows confidence where a text shows I’m-too-scared-to-actually-speak-to-a-girl. So fake it if you have to, but call.

It also simplifies the planning process. It’s the difference between: “Hey you wanna go out Saturday night?” “Yeah I’d love too.” “Cool, I will meet you in the alley behind Loring Pasta Bar and we can share a plate of spaghetti and meatballs.” Versus: “Hey you wanna go out Saturday night?” Hours of silence. Wondering “Did she get the message?” “Why hasn’t she responded?” “She probably hates me.” “Psh I don’t need her.” Then by the time she responds you’ve convinced yourself she sucks and you didn’t want to go on the date anyway.

Matt’s concluding argument was actually fairly solid, “if you like a guy enough, it’s not going to matter if he texts or calls, you’re going to say yes.” I had to concede this point. I’ve caved before, in fact I did it with this guy (perhaps I should have heeded my own crotchety old stance on this one). But the reality of the matter is, even if she might say “yes” to a text, wouldn’t you rather hedge your bets and impress her with a nice, old-fashioned phone call? Maybe give it the old college try next time slugger, you might be happy with the results. 

I’ll Call You (Not Really)

I don't care how cute he is, he is a damned liar.

We’ve all experienced the empty “I’ll call you.” Well all of us except those intensely beautiful, leggy girls (I hate you by the way). And despite the ubiquity of the phenomenon I am still baffled by it. I guess I can understand it when the promise is slurred as Saturday night draws to a close and you truly believe in your stupor that this is the one for you. After all she shares your love of cheap beer and secret obsession with single-name pop artists who struggle to locate the “s” on their keyboard.

It’s when an individual goes to great lengths to adamantly (and soberly) insist that an additional date is in order after pleasantly spending a sufficient amount of time with each other. Maybe they do it because they aren’t quite sure and they need some time to consider your merits before committing to a second date, but the promise of that call keeps their options open. I’ve got a solution for this one gents, don’t say a word about it and just call/e-mail/smoke signal her after you have had some time to mull it over or at least let her know that you’ve changed your mind.

I’ve heard the argument that they do it to be polite or to protect a girl’s feelings. This is the most asinine excuse I have ever heard. Chances are we are just as on the fence about this thing as you are. The difference is, we won’t feign more excitement about the situation than we are actually feeling, but we will give some borderline potential a second chance to tip the scales in his favor if he wants it. Even if we have prematurely decided we want to take you antiquing and have your babies, we will be more crushed if we spend the obligatory three days awaiting a call that’s never going to come than if we had used those three days to convince ourselves that you were a cad anyway (though the I’ll-call-you lie goes a long way toward proving this theory).

Naturally, with a little help from well-intentioned friends, we run through a number of implausible (but oft used) excuses through our own minds. Anything to save face and shield ourselves from the fact that we are not actually desired by the individual who seemed to adore us just days before.

I realize that contacting the offender to call him on his bluff and elicit some form of explanation is a Zelda Fitzgerald brand of crazy, but I wonder if this isn’t a label that was conveniently placed on those who asked to prevent future uncomfortable confrontation. After all I feel like “so….what’s up with the no call?” is a fair question. It is also one of those questions that may help us navigate are way through future dating experiences. Maybe we did do something ridiculously repulsive that somehow took awhile to set in. If that were the case, we would love to know to prevent ourselves from making such deal-breaking errors in the future. But, alas I fear the mystery of the ghost call shall forever remain unsolved.

Perhaps we should simply chalk it up to nervous immaturity and poor social skills. The individuals who can’t be upfront about their actual intentions (or some less old world term) are likely not worth the fretting they cause.

I Saw the Sign and Read Way Too Much Into It

Women are idiots. I know this, because, as a woman, I’m an idiot. We take every little look, touch, clothing choice, text, e-mail, Facebook status update, etc. and read everything we can into it. I hear girls give their account of a dating situation, seeking a well-intentioned but completely inaccurate analysis from their friends and they sound like the flighty back up singers of a Betty Everett song.

“Ok well he asked for my number and I gave him my information, but he e-mailed me instead of calling, so that must mean he doesn’t really want to see me but he felt he had to contact me right?”

“He hasn’t wanted to hang out for over a month, but he still contacts me. So what is that? Is he still interested but just too busy? Is he just keeping me on the back burner until he feels like he wants a relationship?”

“So we went out with his friends, but he didn’t announce to them that I was a girlfriend, so he hates me right?”

Trite. Obsessive. Ridiculous. And all too familiar. I recognize the absurdity in these discussions,  and yet I continue to have them. There are numerous women in my life who are intelligent and understand that it is a complete waste of time to attempt to uncover the deeper meaning in a man’s actions, but they do it anyway. So I have no choice but to believe it’s in inherent in my female nature. Or maybe the average man just bores us so we create depth where it cannot be found.

I can’t imagine a group of guys sitting around having this same conversations we do after a date.  Even more improbable is the thought of them carefully planning their every move in order to hide a deeper meaning beneath the surface of each of their actions. Sure, girls might do it, but let’s be honest, we have more dimensions in our iridescent nail polish than they have in their entire being. So this begs the question, why do we even bother?

Ok this has turned into a lot of man hating. They aren’t as shallow as I pretend they are. It’s just an attempt to nurse an ego that has been wounded by the knowledge that I’ve made erroneous assumptions about the men in my life and their intentions based on actions are no more meaningful than brushing my teeth. (Although maybe he brushed his teeth differently today because he knew I would notice and be impressed…)

The truth is this over-analysis only ever does more harm then good. It can make us, and the guy, more self-conscious than either of us needs to be. He may even be so paranoid about our analysis of his dating tactics that he decides never making a move is better than making one that gets torn apart by the girl and her friends the moment they part ways.

Maybe it’s because we’ve long fallen victim to the game so we are constantly trying to stay one step ahead the only way we know how, understanding the players better than they understand themselves. Either way it should probably stop lest we make dating so complicated that both genders give up altogether.

Emerging from Neverland

I am of the opinion that there is a time in every young boy’s life where he must grow up and stop viewing any woman as a means of biding his time between relationships. I have witnessed many of my friends fall victim to these middling men who will say things just to string them along while they need them only to turn around and retract any statement of interest the second they feel claustrophobic. And it’s not as though these circumstances occur only on one occasion; it’s a pattern they repeat for as long as the hapless victim allows. This may happen to men as well as women, but I’ve only seen it happen to my female friends so I sought out perspective from a few male friends to gauge if my standards were characteristically high in this situation as they apparently are in others.

According to my reliable sources, it seems this behavior should, in theory, be a childish stage that is left behind after the collegiate years. It should never be acceptable to treat any individual in such a disrespectful manner, but it seems even more unacceptable to do so in the state of adulthood when such actions can no longer be attributed to youthful indiscretion. Admittedly, the victims are partially responsible for these situations. If these immature individuals are allowed to behave like this without consequence they will undoubtedly repeat the actions.

As a woman who has consistently stayed in unhealthy relationships because she is too naïve, stupid or codependent to get out, I’m the last to cast stones at the women who allow themselves to be mistreated. However, as their friend, I struggle with watching them put themselves in the same positions over and over again because this time may be different and maybe Peter Pan has overcome that lingering immaturity to realize he wants a real adult relationship. I want to be excited and hopeful for my friends, but I also want to smack them over the head with the obvious stick and tell them that it’s unlikely this man-child has suddenly decided to grow up and that you are the one he wants. It’s more likely that when he does move beyond this stage, it will be with someone brand new, not the eager girl who has patiently waited in the wings.

It’s an easy trap to get into. Thinking we can change the men we want. Thinking we can be such an amazing partner that we will convince them that we are the one they have been waiting for and if they would just open their infantile eyes they would see the one they want in us. It’s so easy to tell yourself, “If I just wait long enough for him to emerge from this stage, I will be the one he chooses.” Unfortunately, even if you do get your major movie moment when he realizes the faithful lady in waiting is what he has wanted all this time, you will undoubtedly endure a number of emotionally straining circumstances that will take a toll on your emotional wellbeing as you wait for him to come to this grand realization.

Though some of the onus partially lies on the woman, it seems that if these men are unwilling to grow out of this stage where they want to play childish games, they shouldn’t be permitted to drag women into their Neverland with carefully polished manipulation. The worst part of it is that because these guys have been at it so long, they’ve nearly perfected the art. They understand women and what they want to hear as one would expect of a normal adult male, but they still prey on them the way one would expect of an idiot college boy. It’s a dangerous combination and I understand how a woman may fall victim.

Unfortunately, this is the way the dating and the world at large works. Some people are manipulative and immature and it is on us to decipher their tactics and find the sincerity of the right one. So use your natural judgment, more often than not your past experience will lend all the guidance you need. Best of luck ladies (and men if you have ever experienced the same issue).

Don’t Call Me Baby

What is it about pet names that causes virtual strangers think they can use them in their sad, desperate attempt at closing a girl? The word “baby” does not carry the magical weight of abracadabra, yet I’ve seen men use in a manner that suggests they are hoping to make the beautiful assistant’s clothes instantly disappear. Maybe this works on girls lacking brain cells and self worth, but I can’t imagine the average girl would be swept away the moment a guy whispers sweet nothings into her ear. This is especially irritating in cases where the individual attempts to invoke the power of a pet name when they barely know my given name. 

Recently, a gorgeous, sandy-haired gentleman caught my eye at a local tequila bar. Being the stunning, confident woman I am, I sent my friend over to strike up a conversation. After I awkwardly worked my way into the tepid water my friend’s ice breaking efforts had produced, I discovered my handsome stranger was actually fairly charming and interesting. He was from the area, but his pursuits as an actor led him to Los Angeles nine years ago. I was surprised to find that actor was, in fact, not a euphemism for waiter—he claims he just wrapped up filming of an episode of Castle—but given the fate of our encounter it was all fairly irrelevant.

Our chemistry and mad dancing skills made quite the impression on the other dancers at the bar (this wasn’t a difficult feat given the sheer lack of bodies on the non-existent dance floor) and we seemed to connect on some level. I was well aware our connection wouldn’t go anywhere beyond this particular evening given the fact that he was flying back to California on Monday morning, but I didn’t care, we were having fun. What surprised me is that he knew, possibly even more so than I did, that our encounter wouldn’t go much farther than bar close, yet he insisted on referring to me as baby and baby girl.

I don’t even particularly care for these references when I’m actually dating someone so to get it from someone whose last name would forever remain a mystery to me was actually a bit grating. The gratuitous use of these affectionate names transformed him from an enchanting stranger to your standard creeper who will say anything to get into a girl’s pants. I immediately laughed and told him that he didn’t need to call me baby because I would not be sleeping with him. He was a bit taken aback but ended the use of all insincere terms of endearment for the rest of the night.

Perhaps I overreacted. Maybe he wasn’t after what I thought he was after (though his other behavior would also prove my theory to be accurate), but I can’t imagine any instance in which a man would call a girl “baby” or “baby girl” so flippantly unless he was trying to create the illusion of familiarity that would allow the girl to more readily hook up with a complete stranger. That and he probably doesn’t remember her real name. So my advice to those who wish to use sugary terms to refer to members of the opposite sex, is please refrain from doing so at least until you know their last name, any other usage is completely transparent and more than a little crude. 

Commentary on Modern Man’s Fashion

Am I alone in being woefully disappointed in the direction today’s fashion has taken for men? From over-designed Ed Hardy t-shirts (or the generic equivalent) to baseball caps with the sticker forever clinging to the brim, frat boy fashion has leaked into mainstream society, much to the detriment to those of us who have to look at them.

The bright colors and busy patterns of the Ed Hardy tee are our generation’s equivalent to the Hawaiian shirt, loud, obnoxious and never appropriate. I still see guys in pink polos with popped collars. Why hasn’t anyone told these individuals that this fad, which was never ok in the first place, has gone the way of Hypercolor shirts and acid wash jeans?

And this is from the guys who are actually trying, the rest are wearing stained t-shirts, basketball shorts and dirty Nikes.

It’s not only the farcical nature of the pieces of clothing themselves, it’s the fact that it’s all started to look alike as many boys blindly follow these lazy and uninspired fashion standards. When you throw in the ever-present goatee, there is no telling them apart (there are plenty of females who fall into this cookie cutter fashion wormhole too, but we aren’t talking about them right now).

Let me elaborate on the fashion failure that is the goatee. I love facial hair, when it’s done right. However, the goatee is most often facial hair gone wrong. It has become a symbol of skeeze especially when, in many cases, it is used to create a jaw line that doesn’t exist. There are some guys who can pull this off (you’ll note it’s paired with a tailored three-piece suit), but most end up looking like this guy. Also please note calling it a “circle beard” isn’t fooling anyone.

Once again, I find myself reminiscing about an era I never experienced. Men in the ’40s and ’50s knew how to dress. Fedoras, double breasted jackets, three-piece suits, straight edge shaves… *sigh* Now I’m not saying everyone needs to dress like a GQ cover model, but it wouldn’t hurt to take a cue or two from some of these men (there’s something on that list for everybody).

I’m calling for the resurrection of thoughtful fashion. It’s less about fashion and more about being an individual. Good fashion comes in many different forms. Find a style that reflects your personality and make it your own. Even if your style is a t-shirt and jeans, polish it and be able to effectively dress for the occasion no matter what it may be. It’s not that difficult, even those who struggle undoubtedly have a fashonista sister or friend in their lives who is more than willing to help them out, for the sake of all fashionkind.

The Return of the Lying Narcissist

About a month ago I went on a terrible first date, after which I indicated to the individual that I had no desire to pursue any sort of relationship with him. However his friends were interesting, laid back and fun to be around. So when his roommate asked if I wanted to meet up with the group on a couple of occasions when the liar was not around, I saw no reason to decline. Perhaps I should have this past weekend.

On Friday night I agreed to venture to Uptown to have a couple drinks with the group of friends I have been spending time with over the past month. However, this time, the liar was there. I didn’t think anything of it. We had gone out one time more than a month earlier; there was no reason to make things awkward. He disagreed.

From the moment I got there he seemed to think I had come to see him. His hand was on my waist or he was whispering things in my ear, telling me how much money he makes at his father’s company (be a proud product of nepotism my friend, I hope it gets you far). The ridiculousness of the situation was almost amusing, until it got creepy. A guy at the next bar stopped me to compliment my haircut and when I lingered to have a conversation with him, the liar kept appearing. On one occasion he told the individual I was conversing with that I was his girlfriend.

When I regrouped with my friends the liar approached me with a proposition. “Let’s make a deal that you can dance with whoever you want,” he said. I responded with a blank stare and a simple, “Yes. I know.”

Things only got weirder as the evening wound down. I dropped him, and the individual I had been enjoying time with, off at their apartment. After the friend got out of the car the liar immediately accused me of hooking up with his friend and somehow came to the conclusion that we could still be friends. I agreed with complete indifference and headed home.

I didn’t get far before I got a phone call from the liar asking me where his roommate was, accusing me once again of having salacious relations with him and then asking me if he still had a shot with me. When I informed him that no, as I had said one month earlier, I would not be interested in dating him, he told me that it was good because it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. This particular conversation ended with the conclusion that we would never see each other again and again my apathetic reply was “ok.”

You would think he would have had enough, but he had not. He proceeded to send me a text informing me that he know one thing about me and that was the fact that I was judgmental and then proceeded to thank me for hanging out with him that night. In between his manic texts his roommate tells me that the two had just got in a huge fight because the liar told him he was no longer allowed to be my friend. After all “neither one of us has a chance with her, so what is the point.” Yes what is the point? If you can’t have a romantic relationship with an individual they are clearly not worth talking to. Grow up my arrogant friend. Some people have many things to offer on various levels of relationships that have nothing to do with romantic intentions.

I guess the moral of this little tale is that people like this do exist. I was completely shocked by this guy’s behavior on every plane from bragging about achievements that were not his to own to borderline racist comments inspired by unfounded jealousy. If anything, his ludicrous behavior solidified the conclusion I had drawn a month earlier.

The situation also posed an issue for me. I immensely enjoy hanging out with this crazy individual’s friends when he is not a part of the equation, but I don’t know if that can be done without encountering the whirlwind of drama he brings with him when he appears on the scene. So what do I do? Let him indirectly dictate who I can befriend or run the risk of having another awkward run in with someone whose blinding egotism causes behavior that no well-balanced individual should be capable of? I guess I haven’t really decided at this point, but I do know I my life wouldn’t be lacking if I never cross paths with this individual again.

First date fail

There is some first date behavior that is just unacceptable and pretty much eliminates the possibility of a second date, among them is hitting on other women and lying. I was privileged enough to experience both of these this weekend.

I met this guy at a bar (strike one?) and actually had an intelligent conversation about proper grammar—take me now sailor. But seriously I was pretty excited about the prospect of seeing him again by the end of the night, so when he texted me on Monday (yeah that’s another whole issue) to set something up for Friday I readily accepted.

The date started out great in spite of the fact that it was a group event because his friend was in from out of town and he was having people over. He was intellectual, was well on his way to being a lawyer, signing up for the Big Brother program, etc. We headed downtown and around 12:30 the magic happened.

He disappeared after he went to replace a drink he had knocked out of a girl’s hand. This to me was completely acceptable; taking 15 to 20 minutes to come back and crowding her space at the bar, however, is a little sketchy. After a series of events he came back to explain that the girl was a friend from high school and they were just catching up. The story really didn’t jive but I went with it for awhile. Later I pulled one of his friends aside and discovered what I expected, the boy had lied.

He apologized a multitude of times, explained what really happened and asked for a second chance. I’ve toyed with the possibility, but have since realized it’s really not worth the trouble even if things were going well initially. The majority of my friends backed me on this decision, but one thought I should give him another shot.

I came to the conclusion that if someone is willing to lie on a first date, it doesn’t bode well future behavior. I’m taking it as a sign of immaturity and won’t risk wasting time on someone who couldn’t even give me the common courtesy of an honest first date.

Seeking a Man with a Plan

I’ve recently been pondering yet another of my apparently antiquated expectations when it comes to dating. I am of the belief that when someone asks another person on a date, the asker should have a plan set in place. The askee should be informed of time, location and, if necessary, proper attire within an appropriate amount of time before said date.

This rule should carry through the initial dating period until you get to that comfortable boyfriend/girlfriend stage where you ultimately do nothing more than cuddle and stare lovingly at each other. Or, in less successful situations, sit bitterly and silently watching American Idol or CSI on opposite ends of the couch.

In all seriousness, having a plan set in place illustrates the fact that the asker not only cared enough to want to spend time with the person they asked, but that they actually were willing to take the time to put some level of thought into the date. To me, the I-don’t-know-what-do-you-wanna-do game is not only vexatious, but it says “you’re not worth the energy it would take to pick a restaurant, movie or other date night activity.”

I’ve heard multiple arguments as to why this idea is everything from unnecessary to slightly esoteric. The claim I hear the most often is, “we’re just being considerate. How else would we know what you want to do?” Well this appears to be a valid point, it really isn’t. The askee then has the pressure on their shoulders to come up with something both of you would enjoy doing, when the asker should take on this responsibility.

The simple way around this is, do your homework. Talk to the person you asked out, figure out their interests and work off of that. You can questions as basic as “what’s your favorite food, what kinds of movies do you enjoy” or kick it up a notch with “how do you feel about weekends in Paris?”

Or, for a date with a more unexpected personalized touch, do a little research (stalking). Ask mutual friends what the person enjoys doing. If you are Facebook friends (which is likely given the fact that anyone you come into contact with for more than five minutes is suddenly Facebook-friend material), check out their page. It’s a bit stalkerish, but reading the “About Me” and “Favorites” section on the person’s profile is a far cry from peeping into his or her bedroom window with high-powered binoculars.

Bottom line is, if the person is worth asking out on a date, it’s definitely worth spending ten minutes developing a plan of action for that person. Less, if it’s the standard dinner/movie combo, which is perfectly acceptable. Just don’t make the askee track you down for details, it’s awkward and completely inconsiderate.

Dibs and the Code Breaker

In Jr. High it was common practice for people to stay away from girls or boys their friends were interested in. The rules were simple: if Sally was digging Johnny and Suzie held Johnny’s hand at lunch, Suzie would immediately be ostracized by the rest of the girls. As adults the lines become smudged and rules that were once unflinchingly rigid now seem childish and unreasonable.

However, the rules still apply to some degree and they seem to be more common among men than women (which actually is a bit counter intuitive if you think about it). There are two basic sets of these hands-off rules.

Dibs comes into play in when a person spots another person he or she may be interested in. I’ve never experienced this with my female friends (this isn’t to say it doesn’t happen), but I’ve witnessed male friends stake claim on a girl. By doing so, Guy A eliminates the opportunity for other guys in the group to make a pass. In some cases the rules still apply if the girl clearly shows interest in Guy B.

Now I understand the whole “bros before hoes” philosophy but does this really seem logical? The girl and Guy B may have serious chemistry but neither one of them can enjoy this chemistry because Guy A has invoked some absurd, arcane rule. This rule doesn’t seem to translate to the other gender, at least not in my circles. If a friend of mine is into a guy and it turns out he likes another one of her friends, she will graciously step aside.

The rules get even foggier when a history has been established. It seems universally understood that former significant others are off limits to friends. Anyone who ignores this rule is labeled a “code breaker.” But how long does the ex remain verboten? Six months? A year? Forever? Logically it would depend on the depth and length of the original relationship. However, logic doesn’t always come into play. I’ve known guys to bestow the “code breaker” title upon friends who have made a pass at girls they’ve had no romantic connection with since high school.

I guess I don’t know what the rules should permit but it seems that if two people have serious chemistry, a true friend would step aside. After all is there any sense in preventing a someone from finding happiness with a friend just because they didn’t find it with you?

The Case of the Vanishing Coward

I don’t go into dating situations expecting much. Maybe it’s because I’m realistic or maybe I’m just jaded. However, I don’t think it’s too much to expect someone to have enough consideration and respect for another human being to give them a courtesy call, e-mail or text when they no longer wish to continue seeing them. I’m not asking for a detailed explanation as to why you want to end things, a simple “hey not really into you anymore” would be fine.

Choosing to ignore my calls, texts, Facebook messages, what have you, is immature and contemptible. Yet this was the route a guy I was recently dating chose. We had been seeing each other for about three months when frequent texts, phone calls and Facebook chats turned to crickets. It wasn’t as though we had only gone on one date. I had spent full days with him nearly every weekend for the past couple months, so I didn’t immediately get the hint when I didn’t hear much from him.

Listening to well-intentioned advice from optimistic friends, I continued to text him for about a week after his responses dropped off. It’s not that the people who gave me this advice were naïve, it’s just that they couldn’t imagine why a grown man (he is almost 30) would end any sort of dating relationship in such an adolescent way.

I’m sure he and his friends found my efforts to contact him after he decided he was done with me to be desperate. However, that assessment is completely unfair because had I known that he was trying to extricate me from his life I wouldn’t have bothered with it. I ended up feeling like a complete fool through no fault of my own.

It’s not as though I am heartbroken over the situation, a soul mate this man is not (obviously), but my ego has taken an unnecessary blow. To think that someone would have the acrimony to be so discourteous to a person they obviously enjoyed spending time with at one time is wholly disheartening.

In my opinion if a person contacts you after even a first date, and you are no longer interested, the urbane and adult thing to do is be upfront and tell that other person how you feel. Anything less is utterly reprehensible.

Yes, No, Maybe So

I’ve decided that, in dating, there is no other response more irritating than “maybe” when it comes to making plans. What does maybe mean? You deign to spend time with me if nothing better comes along? Are you playing a game? “Yes” I get. It means, “I would love to hang out with you, thanks for asking.” Although “no” can be a little muggy, is still decipherable. If you legitimately have plans, it just means “no.” If you have no plans, it simply means “I don’t want to see you.” Either way it is much clearer than “maybe.”

If you give me a “maybe” because you potentially have plans but nothing has solidified, I can grasp that. However, if your “maybe” is vaguely dependent on your mood that day, then forget it. I don’t need to be waiting on you to make a decision about my plans. If you don’t think I’m worth hanging out with when you have absolutely nothing better to do, then I’m sorry, but you aren’t worth my time when you do decide to make plans with me.

Being “maybed” puts you in such an uncomfortable position. Do you bring the subject up again? Do you even bother contacting the person in the meantime? I hate how much control I lose with a “maybe” answer.

Just yesterday, for the first time I asked a guy I’m seeing if he would like to do something this weekend. In the entire time we’ve been dating, I have never once initiated a phone call or a date. I didn’t want to put myself in the position where he could turn me down. But, I’ve started to like him and I have been thinking maybe I should be making more of an effort. So I floated an idea by him thinking there is no way he is going to say “no” if he isn’t busy. He has pursued me steadily for months now, so why in the world would he decline?

However, the answer I got was much worse than a flat-out “no.” He said “maybe.” My mind has been trying to grasp just what that means for the past couple days. In regard to the questions I posed earlier I decided that, no, I would not be bringing the subject up again. And, no, I will not be initiating contact with him in the interim. I actually made plans for the “maybe” day. Not really sure where this is going to land me but I know that I am fairly interested to see how this is going to pan out. Both for myself and for him.

Interest Fades

My relationships whether serious or casual seem to go through the same cycle: he finds me amazing, I am pursued heavily, I start to let my guard down and his interest fades, usually inexplicably. I tend to take it very personally even though I never have any solid evidence that my character or personality suddenly pushed him away.

My question is am I entitled to some sort of explanation as to why the interest waned? Will it do me any good? Does the reason really matter in the long run? I’m the type of person who over thinks everything. Typically, when the state of affairs changes abruptly, I can’t stop running things through my head, trying to pinpoint the exact moment or infraction that caused the shift.

I’m not sure why I do this. It never does me any good. Ultimately I don’t think it matters why he lost interest. There really isn’t anything I could have done to turn it around. If there was some aspect of my personality that caused the reversal, then so be it. If I had known what it was, I wouldn’t change who I am because one person was disinterested.

If it was something in his life that caused the drop off, there is nothing I could do to affect the situation. So no matter which way I look at it, it is out of my hands and on his head. I have to be secure enough in myself to not be distracted or influenced by a man who didn't realize my worth.

Whoa! She is Sooo Hot!

I don’t take issue with people who appreciate the beauty of another human being. I, myself, will tell others when I see an attractive man or woman. What I don’t understand is why men insist on vehemently informing us about how gorgeous they think other women are in a way that doesn’t show an appreciation so much as an indication of a disgusting one-track mind.

There are certain women who are undeniably beautiful. For instance, women all know that all men think Megan Fox is a goddess, you don’t need to lie to us and tell us that you find her disgusting and overdone. However, we also don’t need to constantly hear “God she is so hot,” with vocal inflections that strongly suggest just what you might do to her if given the chance. Especially from men we are interested in.

Even if we are completely secure in ourselves and have a realistic understanding of the fact that the men we are with will find other women are attractive, our egos are still chipped at when we constantly hear those men marveling about how sexy they find another woman. So out of basic human courtesy, if you feel the need to discuss the beauty of another woman, do so in a way that doesn’t make the woman you care about feel like you are settling for her because the 10 just wasn’t accessible.

"Mr. Nice Guy"

So many guys complain that girls don’t actually want a nice guy, they want a jerk. There are books, investigative news reports, Web sites and songs devoted to this theory. I don’t deny that there are some girls who are drawn to guys who treat them badly, but I also think that guys claim they were rejected for this reason because they don’t want to take a deeper look at their behavior. There are cases when “Mr. Nice Guy” is actually “Mr. Clingy Stalker Guy.” We appreciate when a guy calls us, opens doors and actually treats us with respect. What we don’t appreciate is constant calls, incessant text messages, talking about commitment too early and just generally obsessive behavior.

My friends have gotten into situations where a guy will get attached right away and it completely freaks them out. Most of the time I tell them to cut the guy some slack, because he is probably just interested and excited about the prospect of a relationship so it should be flattering. However, there are times when the guy is just flat out creepy and borderline psychotic. Of course he wouldn’t see it that way. He would automatically accuse her of being a girl who likes jerks otherwise there would be no reason for her to reject him. There are times when these guys get so incredibly defensive that they manage to remove any doubt that the girl may have had about the judgment she made.

My advice to these guys is: take a step back and assess the situation from an objective perspective. If a girl you were mildly interested in called you constantly, texted you throughout the entire day and lingered on IM just waiting to pounce as soon as you signed on, at what point would you write her off as certifiable?

Boys Will Be Boys

Why do girls perpetuate this ridiculous myth that boys will be boys to justify behavior that is, in fact, unjustifiable? All it does is make us believe that we aren’t worth anything and that we have to settle for boys who behave less than admirably toward us. Claiming that all guys act a certain way or do certain things is just a way for us to soothe the sting of being mistreated.

I am so tired of people going out for their bachelor parties and behaving like complete jerks and acting like it is totally acceptable because it’s a bachelor party. It’s ok for guys to pay strange women to strip and grind up against them because that’s what boys do. It’s ok for guys to make their significant other feel worthless because “honey all guys look at porn” or “baby you know I love you but I’m male so of course I’m going to stare at our waitress’s chest.”

Well maybe it’s true, maybe that’s what boys do. But that is not what men do. I demand more of the men who claim to care about me. Perhaps that limits my dating pool, but I don’t care. I would much rather be alone than lower my standards because the rest of society claims that it is ok for guys to act like Neanderthals. I firmly believe I am worth more than that. It’s not arrogance it’s just that I’m secure in the fact that I deserve to be treated with respect and that this boy behavior is not respect.

So this is my plea. To the women: demand what you deserve. Don’t buy into myths that allow men to disrespect you with their crude behavior. Our complacency in these matters is what allows the behavior to persist and convinces other women that they ask for too much when they demand more. To the men: grow up and realize the worth of the women you love and care for. Understand that to love her means to do everything you can to make her happy even if this means putting her self-worth before your lustful nature.