Religion, Dating & Finding Out I Can’t Remain Detached

I’ve dated on nearly every point along the Western religion spectrum from atheist to spiritual-ish to Jesus freak. In theory, if a guy hates Jesus, it should be a deal breaker for me. But I’ve blurred the lines on that rule, probably one time too many. For the most part it hasn’t been a major problem in the early stages. Mostly due to a mutual respect for what the other individual believes. Healthy conversations can be had without turning into conversion attempts or all-out arguments. Much like a friendship on the same plane. Except, unlike friendships, you may have to raise a child with this individual so that can be a problem down the road.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. As I said, in the past these relationships have functioned on respect and understanding. Until recently, I’ve never encountered a situation where someone has actively tried to change my faith. We went through a great debate when things finally came to a head. Well not so much a debate as a berating of my faith. I was denounced as a little fool for believing in a joke of a religion because I was “smarter than that.” After this encounter I’m thinking it might be too dangerous to dip into those waters.

I was floored that someone I cared about could belittle something that is at the very core of who I am. I couldn’t reconcile the idea that someone who thought me to be such a wonderful person could implore me to change the very convictions that made me that person. It was a rather eye-opening conversation. He couldn’t have meant all the things he had said about caring about me or liking me because he basically loathed everything I stood for. So often Christians get pigeonholed as this hateful, judgmental bag of tricks. But even in my stalwart faith I have never launched a vicious attack of this nature on a non-believer.

I know that our life paths all take very different turns and that the curves in my road have made it easier for me to land on the proverbial straight and narrow than if my life was dealt from his deck of cards. I recognize that our unique trials and moments of peace shape our dogma. This outlook is probably one of the main reasons I get involved with the wrong people. In addition to the fact that I don’t fall into the pit of butterflies and giggles very easily anymore, so when I get that twinge from someone, I revert back to the stupid girl who loves (likes) blindly with no regard for the logic that guides someone out of unhealthy relationships before they can start.

I’ve been able to erect a boundary in certain situations before that feeling germinates, but if it takes root before deal breakers are uncovered, I’m basically screwed for the duration. I was able to extricate myself from this particular situation a month or so after the fact. But it required much more power of will than it should have. And I’m still left reeling more than I expected.

He actively hid his feelings about my faith in an effort to keep our relationship going. I’m not sure what he hoped to accomplish long-term with this. He could only keep his disdain from bubbling up for so long, and then what was going to happen? He shared that he was ready to settle down and could see doing that with me. So how could he marry someone who he couldn’t possibly respect on the basis of her faith? Whatever, that part of it was somewhat irrelevant to me because of the multitude of other reasons he wouldn’t make a good life partner for me. I was trying to be casual and aloof about the whole situation because since getting a taste of it, I was craving that connection. But that was never going to work.

The end game for me is always going to be love, marriage, baby carriage. I need to recognize that I can’t be easy and breezy when I feel a connection with someone. I can’t even claim I was trying to change this one’s mind to make him into the husband I want. I know he is where he is going to be and I didn’t suffer from any delusions that would suggest otherwise. In high school I might have thought, “all he needs is to be loved in the right way.” But not with this one. I figured I could just dabble in him until I got him out of my system. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to get him out of my system without removing him from my life. Spending time with him was only weaving him more intricately into my life and my nature.

Ultimately I learned something about myself I should have always known. No matter how unsuitable an individual may be, even if the thought of him being a long-term solution to that love problem is a damn impossibility, I can’t remain detached. I was designed to feel and feel deeply. Because I’m emo like that. By the time the hook is set, it’s too late for me to not become immersed in the elements that make him who he is. 

Highest of Highs, Lowest of Lows and the Quest for a Middle Ground

A sermon I heard recently uncovered some ideas about the link between passion and connection that I hadn’t thought about in a long time. The pastor’s argument was that two very passionate people can have a great marriage in spite of constant fights because of the deeper connection caused by the discovery of the other person’s hidden thoughts and emotions during these intense arguments.

I’ve dated both very impassioned men and men who were extremely logical and level headed. Those spirited individuals who exuded a magnetism that was irresistible to me in a lot of ways, tended toward violent and emotionally abusive behaviors. During the highs of those relationships, I was lost in a euphoric denial where I believed there was nothing more perfect than the blissful love we shared. Then, when the bubble burst, I was met with an equally extreme low that made my entire life almost unbearable.

On the other hand the even-keeled men lacked the mysterious appeal of the passionate, albeit crazy, men. They also seemed complacent and, at times, indifferent toward me. The relationships hit that comfortable stage fairly quickly and the connection born out of the conflict and subsequent making up of the intensely amorous and volatile affairs were nothing more than a flimsy bond based loosely on a few common interests.

So is passion just another trade off in a relationship? We either get all-consuming love with soul crushing conflicts or polite, healthy fondness that lacks depth? I’m hoping this is not the case, that the men I’ve dated just happen to lie on either extreme and that there are those who lie in that happy middle ground.

The more I explore this idea in my own mind I think that is exactly the case. I’ve come to realize the ardently romantic men, weren’t necessarily passionate about me. They just discovered they could use this illusion of profound love to control me and manipulate my emotions with expressive mea culpas designed to trick false feelings of love and trust out of each moment of atonement.

Now that I’ve come to this conclusion, I’m finding that I constantly have to remind myself of this fairly new development in my understanding of love. I’ve found myself in situations where I will continue pursuing someone who I don’t feel a deep connection with because I’ve been convinced for so long that a deep connection automatically leads to hellish extremes. Perhaps it’s the hopeless romantic in me, once again, rearing its ugly little head, but it seems to me that a true connection will coax passionate moments out of the most level-headed of men without the need for the agonizing low points.

The Man Who Inspired My Impossible Standards

In the vein of settling and my apparently unrealistic standards I’ve taken a closer look at why I am the way I am and why I believe that there is someone out there who will live up to my expectations. The proverbial “they” say that girls marry men who are like their fathers and I have one of the best. It’s not even that I see him through rose-colored daughter glasses. Many people have told me that I can’t hold every guy I date up to standards set by my father because they will all fall short.

A dedicated father with a Midwest work ethic, he has faithfully provided for his family for more than 25 years while still spending time with them. After 30 years of marriage he continues to surprise my mother with flowers, buys her gorgeous jewelry for major occasions and keeps a level head through all of life’s challenges.

And it is not only witnessing his love for my mother that has caused me to expect so much of my future husband. Though I will never admit this to him (or my brothers) he has spoiled me nearly rotten for most of my life. Not with material things. My parents were very careful to teach us fiscal responsibility and the value of earning our own way in the world, but my father has never hidden the fact that he would do absolutely anything for his children.

Last winter my car battery died and I was completely distraught about how I would get to work, or anywhere to get a battery for that matter. I found a ride to work and then called my dad. By the time I got done with work, a car battery was purchased and installed in my car, and my dad picked me up and took me to dinner. He lived about 40 minutes away at the time and had taken the day off to get some things done around the house.

This is just one of many anecdotes that illustrate my father’s selfless nature and genuinely amazing spirit.

My dad has expressed disappointment in some of the guys I have dated in the past. In fact, he has even told me that, if girls ultimately marry men who are like their fathers, it made him sad that I would choose the men that I had because it might say something about how I saw him. Fortunately for him, it said nothing about who he was. Unfortunately for me, I’m afraid that if I refuse to settle for anything less than the characteristics my father personifies, I’m in for a long, possibly fruitless journey to “the one.”

Settle or Die (Alone)

There has been much controversy surrounding the book “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb, a middle-aged journalist and single mother. The idea behind the book is that women who are too picky end up alone. I have not read the book so I will refrain from criticizing, but it has brought forth some interesting discussions. Some people are up in arms, saying how dare she suggest that women settle for anything less than the best. Others completely agree with the idea that those who cling unflinchingly to their ideals will ultimately end up alone.

I understand that one can’t expect to capture the sickening romance found by America’s sweetheart-of-the-moment on the silver screen. I also realize that a man will have flaws, but it seems to me that I may be much happier alone than I would have been if I had compromised on the big things. I know that this might not necessarily be what Gottlieb was suggesting in her book, but I have been advised that my demands may be impossible to find.

I should probably tell you what these are before I get too much farther, then you can judge for yourself if I’m being idealistic or just looking out for my own happiness (and no I don’t demand that he be Gene Kelly reincarnated). The two biggest points of contention on my male must-have (or must-not-have) list are smoking pot and premarital sex. Now let me clarify; I am not expecting to find a man who has never done either of these things. In fact, I fully expect that my future husband will most likely have experienced both. I’m simply asking that while in a relationship with me, he not have sex before he gets married and that he not smoke pot. (Side note: these are personal preferences that I seek in a mate, not things that affect how I view every individual in the world.)

It has been insinuated that if I don’t compromise on one or both of these fronts, I have ultimately chosen life as an old maid. I refuse to believe this is true. I don’t think I’m being a hopeless romantic by wanting these things out of my life partner. I think a compromise of that magnitude would ultimately mean compromising the very core of who I am (at least with the premarital sex). Again, I haven’t read the book, but I don’t think that these are the kinds of compromises Gottlieb thinks we need to make.

What really confuses me is the women who take no stand on the big issues but then refuse to budge on the minor ones. Why is it that certain things like bad breath and unfortunate names can mean so much to a person while mutual respect means absolutely nothing? Is it a sign of a shallow person whose deal breakers are minor flaws? Or is it simply the mark of an insecure person who tolerates major character weaknesses?

I think what we should take from both sides of this argument is purely common sense. Humans are flawed, you will never find anyone who is perfect so don’t look for Mr. Perfect, but don’t settle for someone who is wholly incapable of making you happy either.

Decades Late for Mr. Perfect

I’ve come to the somewhat heartbreaking realization that I was born in the wrong decade. I’m positive the man of my dreams only resides unattainably somewhere in a 1940s/1950s musical. These men can wear a suit, have voices of molasses, know their way around a dance floor and understand how to love a woman.

What happened to the charming debonair man who wooed Rosemary Clooney with songs of counting sheep or the dashing hoofer who celebrated his love for Debbie Reynolds by dancing through puddles in the rain? Now I realize that the reality was much different than the movies just as the leading men of today’s romantic comedies never entirely make their way off the silver screen. But elements of the charm personified in the charismatic musical stars must have been a part of life in that era.

In addition to being drawn to their classic sense of style, I always found there to be an intensity about those men in their fedoras and tailored suits. I imagine the Greatest Generation had a more traditional and sincere approach to courtship. In a decade where men knew their way around a dance floor, making use of steps far more complex than the absurd two step of today, there must have been an earnestness about their pursuit of a woman that men today don’t embody.

I’m sure this is nothing but a romanticized version of the truth. But I would like to think that there is a bit of accuracy in that vision. And even if there isn’t, I still couldn’t turn up my nose at a man who made a genuine effort to exude the charm and grace of my true love, Gene Kelly.

For Who He Is

I was watching Californication tonight and one of the daughter’s lines inspired me. She was talking to her mother about how she made the decision to be with her father knowing all of his pitfalls and character flaws. Being the insightful 12-year-old that she is, she told her mother that she “needs to love him for who he is, not his potential.” Her mother is a mature, intelligent, together woman but she still is unable to fully understand the truth in this statement.

I realize that this is fiction, but it rings true for every woman who has ever thought that she could change a man even in the most basic way (and that is pretty much all of us). I have been guilty of this many times over. I tend to see the good in everyone and strive to bring out their potential. I think in some ways this is a good characteristic to have, but my challenge is to find the balance between nurturing someone’s potential and accepting them for who they are.

As women we can be so dense that even when a man flat-out tells us who he is and what we can expect from a relationship with him we still refuse to stifle the tiny thought in the back of our mind that says “I can make him better.”

It only perpetuates our delusion when the men we date actually make those changes for us. It makes us believe that our love can change a person. In reality, these changes only last until he begins to feel suppressed and then the relationship immediately goes south. I realize that these truths have been repeated time and again, but most women still refuse to accept them.

I do believe that people will alter some behavior for the people they love, but it should never be expected. When we lie to ourselves about the potential of the men we date, we set ourselves up for what will most likely be a slow-fading relationship.

Boys Will Be Boys

Why do girls perpetuate this ridiculous myth that boys will be boys to justify behavior that is, in fact, unjustifiable? All it does is make us believe that we aren’t worth anything and that we have to settle for boys who behave less than admirably toward us. Claiming that all guys act a certain way or do certain things is just a way for us to soothe the sting of being mistreated.

I am so tired of people going out for their bachelor parties and behaving like complete jerks and acting like it is totally acceptable because it’s a bachelor party. It’s ok for guys to pay strange women to strip and grind up against them because that’s what boys do. It’s ok for guys to make their significant other feel worthless because “honey all guys look at porn” or “baby you know I love you but I’m male so of course I’m going to stare at our waitress’s chest.”

Well maybe it’s true, maybe that’s what boys do. But that is not what men do. I demand more of the men who claim to care about me. Perhaps that limits my dating pool, but I don’t care. I would much rather be alone than lower my standards because the rest of society claims that it is ok for guys to act like Neanderthals. I firmly believe I am worth more than that. It’s not arrogance it’s just that I’m secure in the fact that I deserve to be treated with respect and that this boy behavior is not respect.

So this is my plea. To the women: demand what you deserve. Don’t buy into myths that allow men to disrespect you with their crude behavior. Our complacency in these matters is what allows the behavior to persist and convinces other women that they ask for too much when they demand more. To the men: grow up and realize the worth of the women you love and care for. Understand that to love her means to do everything you can to make her happy even if this means putting her self-worth before your lustful nature.