The Online Saga Part 4: The Land of 1001 First Dates

I’ve quickly come to realize the world of online dating is simply one in which first dates are handed out like urine mints in a classy restaurant. Just as in a bar setting, most individuals are willing to take an hour or two to get to know a stranger they consider at least somewhat attractive. Initially upon embarking on this online endeavor I considered that one (if not the only) benefit of online dating would be the ability to pre-screen my prospects and filter out the definite “no’s” before wasting time with the face-to-face step. And while this is valid on some level, I’m beginning to think the main difference between online dating and the bar scene seems to be more in volume rather than quality of match (also the sky is blue).

Essentially if you believe finding that elusive Mr. I’ve-Been-Waiting-For-You-All-My-Life is nothing more than a game of odds, you’ll never get more rolls of the dice than you do with eHarmOKMatch.com. I’ll admit, in the past, I’ve been skeptical of friends who had great difficulty moving beyond the first date in the online dating realm. I thought if you’ve already had many of those deal breakers and that initial conversation sorted out before the actual meeting, you’ve overcome half the battle.

I fear I may have been wrong (Le Gasp!). It turns out that people are not nearly as charming in real life as they are via the written word (Le Gasp Part Deux!). (This includes myself as well, given the fact that the one individual I still considered fairly promising after the first date never called, but that’s another story for another time.)

The first guy I met up with had induced a smile or two through our screening correspondence so I saw some potential promise in him. In person he had all the personality of his sister’s Labrador Retriever —the one who starred in 95 percent of his anecdotes for the evening. I’m pretty sure another gentleman I met was looking for a psychiatrist to explain why his family doesn’t want to spend any time with him. The conclusion I drew was that they got sick of him talking about nothing other than how awesome it was to ride bike all day every day. Especially since he did so in the voice of Foghorn Leghorn. I must also note that I use the term “gentleman” very loosely as we split the bill right down the middle despite the fact that he ordered two drinks and one espresso more than I had.

The first date I had this past weekend may turn into a second. I’m not entirely sure that I’m feeling it, but I am considering it if just to break the cycle. Also, he didn’t talk like a cartoon chicken and only had one story about a dog he didn’t own, so that’s promising.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised at my findings. Meeting someone based on a profile they’ve (in some cases) carefully put together for the sole purpose of attracting a match is obviously not going yield the most genuine results. Not to mention there is no way to convey that funny, butterfly chemistry that inexplicably happens when two people just click. Because I still believe in that dammit! Fun fact, I also believe in unicorns and the moon landing. 

He Turns My Gray Skies Blue

This past week, I’ve come upon yet another completely obvious, but never-the-less important, requirement for my future Mr. Perfect. He needs to possess the inexplicable ability to transform my day regardless of where I’m at on the emotional spectrum. There are some people in my life who can completely turn my day around with a short conversation sprinkled with a few encouraging words. It’s not necessarily because they have brilliant advice to offer. They may not say anything more than a compassionate stranger would, but the level of trust and respect I have for them elevates their wisdom.

I’ve been amazed at how certain people can sponge out every negative thing I am feeling before I even realize what happened, even if they were the ones who caused the negativity in the first place. Very few of the men I’ve dated have been able to do this. It’s not for lack of trying. Most of my boyfriends have offered the obligatory supportive comments and a shoulder to cry on, but there were some things they just couldn’t fix. The fact is many of my friends have been able to cheer me better than any romantic interest I’ve had.

Perhaps it’s something that comes with the deeper understanding that develops after years of knowing someone and dealing with every up and down from one extreme to the other—bad hair cuts to untimely losses. Maybe it has nothing to do with the length of the relationship. Maybe it’s that the individuals who can successful lift my mood are those who genuinely care about me.

I think that might be one of the hardest things to find in a person, in friends or otherwise. By nature we are a selfish species and it’s rare to find that two-way street where both individuals care so much that that they are completely in-tune with each other’s needs.

As I mentioned before, I also think it has to do with the how much I respect the individual who is offering his (or her) support. For some reason a logical argument means so much more it comes from someone I admire. This is especially true when I struggle with issues in my career. When I get a vote of confidence from someone I view as successful it resonates much deeper than someone who doesn’t understand the meaning of drive and has no aspirations of their own.

So, as difficult as it may make my perpetual pseudo search for the ideal man, I sincerely hope I find someone who possesses the mysterious ability to turn even my grayest skies blue.

Note: I sincerely apologize for the cheese factor of this post.

The Man Who Inspired My Impossible Standards

In the vein of settling and my apparently unrealistic standards I’ve taken a closer look at why I am the way I am and why I believe that there is someone out there who will live up to my expectations. The proverbial “they” say that girls marry men who are like their fathers and I have one of the best. It’s not even that I see him through rose-colored daughter glasses. Many people have told me that I can’t hold every guy I date up to standards set by my father because they will all fall short.

A dedicated father with a Midwest work ethic, he has faithfully provided for his family for more than 25 years while still spending time with them. After 30 years of marriage he continues to surprise my mother with flowers, buys her gorgeous jewelry for major occasions and keeps a level head through all of life’s challenges.

And it is not only witnessing his love for my mother that has caused me to expect so much of my future husband. Though I will never admit this to him (or my brothers) he has spoiled me nearly rotten for most of my life. Not with material things. My parents were very careful to teach us fiscal responsibility and the value of earning our own way in the world, but my father has never hidden the fact that he would do absolutely anything for his children.

Last winter my car battery died and I was completely distraught about how I would get to work, or anywhere to get a battery for that matter. I found a ride to work and then called my dad. By the time I got done with work, a car battery was purchased and installed in my car, and my dad picked me up and took me to dinner. He lived about 40 minutes away at the time and had taken the day off to get some things done around the house.

This is just one of many anecdotes that illustrate my father’s selfless nature and genuinely amazing spirit.

My dad has expressed disappointment in some of the guys I have dated in the past. In fact, he has even told me that, if girls ultimately marry men who are like their fathers, it made him sad that I would choose the men that I had because it might say something about how I saw him. Fortunately for him, it said nothing about who he was. Unfortunately for me, I’m afraid that if I refuse to settle for anything less than the characteristics my father personifies, I’m in for a long, possibly fruitless journey to “the one.”

The Unanswered Question

I don’t know if it’s because we are getting older, but my friends have been exploring what it means to find the one: How it should feel? How do you know? At what point should you know? As with every aspect of love and relationships this topic has been analyzed to death and no one has ever found the answer. That’s because there isn’t one.

I used to be the hopeless romantic who essentially believed that everyone I dated had serious potential to be the proverbial one. At this point in my life I really don’t know how it will be when I find my future husband. I imagine the impractical, love-struck girl in me will make her way back to the surface and it will hit me like a pile of bricks.

A lot of people say they just knew when they found the one they were going to marry. The thing is there was a time when I knew and a couple of my exes felt the same way and it turned out we were all wrong. Maybe it’s not so much that you know so much as you truly believe.

I have a friend who says she doesn’t believe she has ever really been in love and she is right. If she said she believed she had, she would be right too. It’s such an abstract idea that it can only absolutely be defined by the people who are feeling it. The thing is because she doesn’t believe that she has ever felt love she doesn’t know what to look for when she is determining who to spend the rest of her life with. This terrifies her and I don’t think she is alone.

Even though I know I’ve felt love before I don’t necessarily trust myself to know what will make someone the one for me. I know I should probably figure this out, read a book on the subject or discuss the topic with married people, but in reality I know I won’t find the answer until it happens for me.