Submission and Feminism: Or, Will I Ever Find Equality with a Christian Man?

So for the most part we (we being crazy Christians) understand that whole “wives submit to your husbands” bit in the Bible is actually imploring spouses to submit to one another, because although the man is the “head of the household” (that term is ick) the passage goes on to say the husband must love his wife as Christ loved us. You know, in a get-tortured-and-die-on-the-cross-for-your-sake kind of way. That man has to do what’s best for you at all costs because Jesus says. Oh and because he kind of digs you too. That means even though the term “submission” seems antiquated and distasteful the actual practice of the instruction can be a part of a really beautiful and mutually respectful relationship. (P.S. It even says submit to one another right there at the beginning of the passage there, did you see that?)

I can get on board with that. Where I’ve run into trouble in the past is when “men” twist this and other parts of scripture into misogynist malarkey that allows them to control the relationship and treat women as simple-minded children on the basis that “men and women were created differently and have different abilities.” This is true. I can fully acknowledge that there are differences between men and women because I have eyes. And, contrary to popular chauvinist belief, a brain. My ire on this whole topic was recently heated to an uncommon boiling point after a discussion about Mark Driscoll’s book (which I’ve only read reviews of so I won’t get into my ill-informed opinions on that) led to a very brief, but very irritating debate about women as pastors.

The individual with whom I had this debate turned it into a statement on women’s abilities as he perceived them more so than a scripturally backed assessment of whether or not it’s Biblical for a woman to lead a church. Even if this standpoint ignores the social context of the verses that back it, I can respect the argument. And, I can respect the individual making the argument. However, when the basis for one’s opinion lies only in his view of whether or not a woman could be “good” at pastoring, comparing it to a man’s inability to breast feed (Yeah. That happened.), I’m inclined to reject the argument and change my opinion of the individual. The final straw was when he dismissed my thoughts on the matter as a reaction fueled by “misaligned feminist pride.” (Careful, honey, your bigotry is showing.)

Yep. He might as well have said, “Oh silly little girl. She thinks she can feel and speak like a man.” Because clearly the only reason I would be upset with someone for stating that it is physically impossible for a woman to do the things pastors do (like public speaking, leading committees, ministering to struggling congregants and studying and interpreting

Biblical teachings with his big brain) could be attributed to the absurd feminism I’ve been fed in all the years I’ve been outside the home with shoes on my feet and no baby in my belly. Of course he did say that women are better at some things than men. Like nurturing. Oh well thank you so much for throwing me that bone. Now I know I can contribute just like a man can. As long as I am a mother, a daycare provider or a nurse.

If pastors were required to fight off bears, drink copious amounts of booze and even drive, I may have been inclined to consider his conclusion that women are just unable to perform the duties of a pastor the way a man can.

He even admitted that some women may be “amazing teachers who teach the word of God” but don’t pastor churches for “the reasons [he told] me.” Those reasons being women aren’t suited to the role of pastor.  Now, I’m confused. Wouldn’t being “amazing” at something mean you are well-suited for it? Is he suggesting that a man who is a poor teacher is better suited to pastoral (not moo-cow pastoral, church pastoral) duties than a spiritually intelligent woman simply because he is a man? Guess it’s just too much for my wittle female mind to grasp.

Whatever, his asinine argument against women pastors and the topic of women pastors in general is beside the point. It’s what the basis of his argument says about his view of women that is actually the worst conclusion I drew from our abominable conversation. Like I said, had he presented biblical points rather than, what really amounts to attacks on the intelligence and capability of women, I could have walked away understanding and respecting the perspective.

Instead I became extremely upset about what this means for my future relationships. Because obviously the foundationless opinion of one man would shake my entire view of every Christian man in the world because I am an irrational woman and it’s what I do. This submissive/head of the household relationship only works if both the husband and the wife are viewed as equals in body, spirit and mind. Different but equal cannot mean different because one is intelligent and the other is equally intelligent…at making pot roast.

I’ve been in two too many relationships with “Christian” men who abused this spiritual leader status in order to exhibit control over me. And we weren’t even married. Sorry, sugarbottom, this rule doesn’t apply if I didn’t say “I do.” And when that “I do” does come, a healthy partnership can only exist if my loverkins views my opinions, emotions and concerns as valid rather than dismissing them as feminist drivel at the first sign of a disagreement.

The reason why this Southern (of course he is) gentleman’s opinion derailed me is because despite a number of factors working against a potential relationship even prior to this conversation, I actually kind of liked him. And he was/is a Christian. Who often complimented me on the fact that I was smart and funny. I now fear what he meant was “you’re smart and funny for a second-class citizen.” Which means the respectful Christian male is more rare than I thought?

I know this is quite the conclusion to jump to based on one very specific, heated discussion. But I have a hard time believing someone would make such base and simplistic arguments if they actually had a deep-seeded respect for the fairer sex.

My problem lies in the fact that I’m pretty damned traditional despite my “misaligned feminist beliefs.” I want to stay home with my kids if/when I pop those little suckers out. I believe that it will be beneficial for those boogers to have me around to shape their wee minds. I don’t, however, believe it is Biblically mandated that this is the only way to raise children. I think it’s a decision that has to be made within a family unit, with each parental entity’s opinion being equally considered in the final conclusion. I also like the idea of having a spiritual leader in my husband. My dad was the spiritual leader in our family (obvs). But I really don’t want to be led by some macho Neanderthal who believes that as said leader his voice is attached to a more fully developed cerebellum than my own. The beauty of the freedom God blessed me with despite cursing me with these awful ovaries is that I don’t have to marry someone like that. The drawback is, I’m narrowing down my options even more.

Maybe the problem is me. Maybe my Christian beliefs don’t reconcile with the idea that my spiritual thoughts are just as valid as a man’s. Upon hearing word of this discussion my friend Matt stated that we all have reasons we’re single “[this guy’s] is, he’s an a-hole.” Maybe mine is I’m a feminist (OH NOEZ NOT ONE OF THOSE) seeking equality in a relationship with a man whose belief system precludes that equality? I like to maintain that isn’t the case since I have seen the Christian relationship I long for in my parents, some friends’ marriages and in this sickeningly adorable couple. Alas, my quest continues.

Super Fun Times With Married People

After a conversation with a coworker, I came to the realization that I’m a bit of a snobby single. Many of my conversations with him have revolved around how doing things with married people was a terrible way to spend my time. I may have implied that I’d rather be impaled by unicorns, Triton’s spear and a myriad of other sharp mythical objects than socialize with the married people. I don’t really feel this way, but it entirely depends on the dynamics of the group and, more importantly, the ratio of singles to espoused. When I’m mingling within a group peppered with those flying solo and those happily entrenched in a duet, I have a splendid time and don’t think twice about the distinguishing line that becomes so pronounced when it’s me and a room full of couples.

Maybe I’ve been conditioned to be unfairly skittish in these situations because of past experiences. Or maybe it’s because when a group of random individuals get together, the conversation will naturally tend toward the topic to what the greatest number in the group can relate to, making it difficult for others to join in and feel included. The same holds true if I hang out with a bunch of law school students, groups of gamers or a legion of sports fans.

Still, it does go beyond the conversational topics. When you arrive at a social gathering with a spouse, you are inherently paired off so when there is a lag in the conversation, you can go to your spouse and strike up a new conversation or interject yourself into one he/she is already having. It’s like a social safety net. So when you are the only single person in a group of people paired off it’s like being left chairless when the music stops.

There are individuals within couples who are cognizant of this and make a point to bring the lonely cheese into the conversation. But, as with most things, we are often left to fend for ourselves while the paired off hyenas gnaw on the bones of conversation in their exclusive little corner… Ok…wow… that was jaded even for me. The reality of the matter is there are some fantastic individuals who happen to be married and some wonderful couples who are more fun than a barrel of mating monkeys. Just because I’ve had some less than spectacular experiences with coupled people, doesn’t mean I should assume all of my encounters will be equally abhorrent. I know this to be true because, though I sound like a embittered old hag who spends her free time flinging feral cats at twittering love birds as they pass, I have spent time with some truly lovely couples (you know who you are, so please don’t stop being my friend after reading this).

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry coupled people. I’ve unduly judged you and made broad generalizations. You don’t all suck as social companions. However, the next time you have an all couples meeting, could you pass along the concerns of the singletons? And maybe distribute a list of single-friendly topics that don’t include babies, buying a house together, wedding plans and adorable things my pooh bear does? Thanks, much appreciated. In return we will refrain from talking about our cats and how awesome it is not being tied to the same person day in and day out for all of FOR-EV-ER.

The Only Exception

After my brother’s wedding this weekend, I’m inclined to set aside the cynicism and bitter quips for one night and wax romantic. So often weddings are sprinkled with skeptical musings and fatal predictions of cynical naysayers, but this wasn’t the case at this particular wedding. Not a single person could help but express with unfaltering confidence that they truly believed this couple had found something lasting and sincere in each other. If and when I find my spouse I can only hope to have a relationship like theirs.

Looking at them and how much they care for each other softens my somewhat sardonic perspective on relationships. In a world where so many individuals miss the mark on relationships—going into them with ulterior motives and unrealistic, selfish expectations—this one exemplifies the idea of what it means to be purely in love with someone.

I don’t pretend to know the details of what happens inside their relationship or how they feel about each other even on their worst days, but it they seem to have found that unusual level of love, one where they adore everything about each other including their pitfalls not despite them. They aren’t identical in their personalities and interests, but they complement each other, maintaining their individual identities while forming an enduring bond.

For all his great qualities, my brother is not necessarily a charmer, he admittedly is a dork and his new wife appears to be smitten with every aspect of his goofy personality. She delights in his peculiar taste in movies and is happily spending their honeymoon hiking through Canada. His adoration for her is no small thing either. He told my grandma that he “just has so much fun with her, no matter what we’re doing, she’s just so fun.” It’s not a grand statement, but it speaks volumes about the strength of their relationship. After all, if you intend on spending your entire life with one individual, you ought to have fun doing it.

Theirs is not the all-consuming, sensational love that epic love stories are made of, but a simple and completely genuine love that is the basis of a solid, lasting marriage. 

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Please Back Off

With the exception of the tool bag I had to work with the other night, I don’t believe most people think I exude a lonely, desperate vibe. However, the number of attempted set-ups has been increasing as of late. It’s not the idea of being set up itself that I take issue with; it’s the quality or lack thereof. It seems that the only qualification these wannabe Yentes have is that my intended must have two things in common with me and being single counts as one.

Most recently, a guy with whom I’ve spent a collective 48 hours over the course of six years attempted to set me up via Facebook. His basis for doing so was that Mr. Right was involved in marketing and was Lutheran and apparently so am I. (In reality I’m not Lutheran, I don’t subscribe to any one denomination, but I can’t expect a guy I met twice to know that.) I should also mention that he lives 1,600 miles away.

Now what would possess someone to play matchmaker with someone he barely knows? Also, what made him think that the fact that we have a handful of things in common is enough to fuel a lasting long-distance relationship?

In another instance, a girl I’ve known for years thought I would be the perfect fit for one of her friends because he was 1. single and 2. a virgin. I met him. She neglected to mention he was socially awkward, loved role-playing games and took life way too seriously.

Now I don’t know that I necessarily should, but I actually take offense when people try to set me up with someone who is so obviously not right for me. What does that say of their view of me? Do they not think I’m deserving of someone who would actually be a good fit? That I should just be thrilled to be set up with anyone?

Many people meet their significant others through friends and they end up extremely happy. But I think these people’s friends actually assess the situation and take into consideration the personalities of both parties before jumping headlong into a set-up. I guess I would just hope my friends would do the same for me. Or at least not try to fix me up with any old stray single they know.

Left Defenseless

I’ve never had anyone in my life actively try to make me feel bad about being single, never until Friday night. I was working with a guy who has been with his girlfriend since high school and is on track to marry her. We were talking about various things when he asks me out of the blue if I have a boyfriend. I respond “nope” and he immediately launches into an interrogation that crosses the line of friendly curiosity to plain insulting.

“You don’t have a boyfriend, so what you do you do all a day?” I ignore his implication that because I’m single I couldn’t possibly have a life and politely give him a list of my extensive interests. He responds with “wow, sounds like you have a really fulfilling life, like the 40-year-old virgin.” I roll my eyes and change the subject mentioning that I went to a Demetri Martin show last year and he says, “What? By yourself?” things continue in this matter throughout the evening.

I probably should have countered, but I was so caught off guard by the sheer audacity of his disrespectful comments that I essentially stood there and took it. I couldn’t believe or understand that someone would be so judgmental about a virtual stranger’s relationship status. Nor could I grasp why anyone would think it was ok to be so brazen.

Typically when people spend this much time making fun of someone they barely know it’s a reflection of their own insecurity. Is it just that this guy questions his own relationship? Or has he never learned how to define himself outside of a relationship and he is legitimately questioning how one could possibly have an autonomous identity apart from a significant other?

Regardless of the motive behind his behavior, there is no other way to describe it beyond rude. Because of the circumstances (being at work), I didn’t know the appropriate way to react. Looking back, acidic sarcasm would have probably been the best line of defense, but I think I would have ended up taking it too far. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?