Submission and Feminism: Or, Will I Ever Find Equality with a Christian Man?

So for the most part we (we being crazy Christians) understand that whole “wives submit to your husbands” bit in the Bible is actually imploring spouses to submit to one another, because although the man is the “head of the household” (that term is ick) the passage goes on to say the husband must love his wife as Christ loved us. You know, in a get-tortured-and-die-on-the-cross-for-your-sake kind of way. That man has to do what’s best for you at all costs because Jesus says. Oh and because he kind of digs you too. That means even though the term “submission” seems antiquated and distasteful the actual practice of the instruction can be a part of a really beautiful and mutually respectful relationship. (P.S. It even says submit to one another right there at the beginning of the passage there, did you see that?)

I can get on board with that. Where I’ve run into trouble in the past is when “men” twist this and other parts of scripture into misogynist malarkey that allows them to control the relationship and treat women as simple-minded children on the basis that “men and women were created differently and have different abilities.” This is true. I can fully acknowledge that there are differences between men and women because I have eyes. And, contrary to popular chauvinist belief, a brain. My ire on this whole topic was recently heated to an uncommon boiling point after a discussion about Mark Driscoll’s book (which I’ve only read reviews of so I won’t get into my ill-informed opinions on that) led to a very brief, but very irritating debate about women as pastors.

The individual with whom I had this debate turned it into a statement on women’s abilities as he perceived them more so than a scripturally backed assessment of whether or not it’s Biblical for a woman to lead a church. Even if this standpoint ignores the social context of the verses that back it, I can respect the argument. And, I can respect the individual making the argument. However, when the basis for one’s opinion lies only in his view of whether or not a woman could be “good” at pastoring, comparing it to a man’s inability to breast feed (Yeah. That happened.), I’m inclined to reject the argument and change my opinion of the individual. The final straw was when he dismissed my thoughts on the matter as a reaction fueled by “misaligned feminist pride.” (Careful, honey, your bigotry is showing.)

Yep. He might as well have said, “Oh silly little girl. She thinks she can feel and speak like a man.” Because clearly the only reason I would be upset with someone for stating that it is physically impossible for a woman to do the things pastors do (like public speaking, leading committees, ministering to struggling congregants and studying and interpreting

Biblical teachings with his big brain) could be attributed to the absurd feminism I’ve been fed in all the years I’ve been outside the home with shoes on my feet and no baby in my belly. Of course he did say that women are better at some things than men. Like nurturing. Oh well thank you so much for throwing me that bone. Now I know I can contribute just like a man can. As long as I am a mother, a daycare provider or a nurse.

If pastors were required to fight off bears, drink copious amounts of booze and even drive, I may have been inclined to consider his conclusion that women are just unable to perform the duties of a pastor the way a man can.

He even admitted that some women may be “amazing teachers who teach the word of God” but don’t pastor churches for “the reasons [he told] me.” Those reasons being women aren’t suited to the role of pastor.  Now, I’m confused. Wouldn’t being “amazing” at something mean you are well-suited for it? Is he suggesting that a man who is a poor teacher is better suited to pastoral (not moo-cow pastoral, church pastoral) duties than a spiritually intelligent woman simply because he is a man? Guess it’s just too much for my wittle female mind to grasp.

Whatever, his asinine argument against women pastors and the topic of women pastors in general is beside the point. It’s what the basis of his argument says about his view of women that is actually the worst conclusion I drew from our abominable conversation. Like I said, had he presented biblical points rather than, what really amounts to attacks on the intelligence and capability of women, I could have walked away understanding and respecting the perspective.

Instead I became extremely upset about what this means for my future relationships. Because obviously the foundationless opinion of one man would shake my entire view of every Christian man in the world because I am an irrational woman and it’s what I do. This submissive/head of the household relationship only works if both the husband and the wife are viewed as equals in body, spirit and mind. Different but equal cannot mean different because one is intelligent and the other is equally intelligent…at making pot roast.

I’ve been in two too many relationships with “Christian” men who abused this spiritual leader status in order to exhibit control over me. And we weren’t even married. Sorry, sugarbottom, this rule doesn’t apply if I didn’t say “I do.” And when that “I do” does come, a healthy partnership can only exist if my loverkins views my opinions, emotions and concerns as valid rather than dismissing them as feminist drivel at the first sign of a disagreement.

The reason why this Southern (of course he is) gentleman’s opinion derailed me is because despite a number of factors working against a potential relationship even prior to this conversation, I actually kind of liked him. And he was/is a Christian. Who often complimented me on the fact that I was smart and funny. I now fear what he meant was “you’re smart and funny for a second-class citizen.” Which means the respectful Christian male is more rare than I thought?

I know this is quite the conclusion to jump to based on one very specific, heated discussion. But I have a hard time believing someone would make such base and simplistic arguments if they actually had a deep-seeded respect for the fairer sex.

My problem lies in the fact that I’m pretty damned traditional despite my “misaligned feminist beliefs.” I want to stay home with my kids if/when I pop those little suckers out. I believe that it will be beneficial for those boogers to have me around to shape their wee minds. I don’t, however, believe it is Biblically mandated that this is the only way to raise children. I think it’s a decision that has to be made within a family unit, with each parental entity’s opinion being equally considered in the final conclusion. I also like the idea of having a spiritual leader in my husband. My dad was the spiritual leader in our family (obvs). But I really don’t want to be led by some macho Neanderthal who believes that as said leader his voice is attached to a more fully developed cerebellum than my own. The beauty of the freedom God blessed me with despite cursing me with these awful ovaries is that I don’t have to marry someone like that. The drawback is, I’m narrowing down my options even more.

Maybe the problem is me. Maybe my Christian beliefs don’t reconcile with the idea that my spiritual thoughts are just as valid as a man’s. Upon hearing word of this discussion my friend Matt stated that we all have reasons we’re single “[this guy’s] is, he’s an a-hole.” Maybe mine is I’m a feminist (OH NOEZ NOT ONE OF THOSE) seeking equality in a relationship with a man whose belief system precludes that equality? I like to maintain that isn’t the case since I have seen the Christian relationship I long for in my parents, some friends’ marriages and in this sickeningly adorable couple. Alas, my quest continues.

Laying it Bare

More Sunday mornings than I would like, I wake up and a feeling of guilt sets in as I remember the series of mistakes I’ve made the night before. Most of these errors in judgment are considered standard behavior for a 26-year-old single on a Saturday evening: one drink too many, dancing in a manner that wouldn’t exactly make my mama proud, associating with men who are not the righteous type (and not in an '80s catch phrase kinda way—sorry bad joke in an effort to break the tension of an altogether too serious post), etc. But these seemingly mild-mannered mistakes set my floundering Christian heart reeling with guilt. There have been times when I’ve purposefully slept through church to avoid driving the self-loathing stake deeper as I’m surrounded by fellow church goers who I’m convinced have it all figured out.

Even writing this is causing some discomfort. Partially because I’m opening up my shortcomings to the world at large, but mostly because I’m laying it bare in front of my Christian friends. And while they are not the type to throw stones, I admire them and don’t exactly want them to see me as the giant ball of sin I am.

No, this is not an easy post to pen, but I was inspired by this guy. And while my behavior may seem less disgraceful than porn addiction and reckless sex, I’m no less ashamed. Especially considering the fact that I’ve succumbed to my weaknesses in the much more recent past than Max’s three years. But I came to the realization that wrapping myself up in a cocoon of chagrin is not going to make things better. Especially when I saw how God battled Max’s demons when the hapless sinner finally admitted to himself (and God) that he was not strong enough to do so on his own.

I realize that this is a bit off-topic from my usual singlehood narrative, but it all ties together. It’s likely that I’m way off base (as I so often am), but I get the impression that singles struggle silently in their sin more than others do. In my conversations with singletons (more specifically Christian singletons) and through reading blogs like Make It Mad, I realized how hard we work to put on a front and pretend it’s easy to battle temptations that seem designed to specifically derail the singles of the world. Temptations like the drinking that goes hand-in-hand with the social life of a young single. Or compromising our bodies in an effort to either feel loved or to keep someone we love.

For me personally (and I’m sure for others), I fear that admitting these things are actually a struggle for me will make me look weak in my faith. Especially when there have been times that I’ve felt the very act of being single is sinful in the eyes of some. Now I realize that most Christians don’t share this view and God certainly doesn’t, but one of my weaknesses is that I feel I have more to prove. This all makes it even more difficult for me to open up about my shortcomings. In turn, I don’t get the guidance I need, so I continue to do the very thing I hate. It’s a cycle that I hope I can break by owning my shame and asking for help. Even if it does open me up to embarrassment and possible judgment from others. Because pretending I don’t struggle is only going to lead me to further rely on my own strength to resist my demons. The same strength that has failed me so many times before.

Sinful Singlehood

In my time as a single girl I’ve been praised and I’ve been pitied for a status that really doesn’t have much to do with anything I have or have not done in the grand scheme of things. And now, I’ve encountered a new perspective on my single status. Apparently, it’s flat-out sinful. As the only single person in my Bible study (13 people, that’s right everyone else in the group attends with their spouse), things naturally tend toward the awkward side for me. This week, however, brought forth a level of discomfort akin to watching a David Lynch sex scene with your parents (or just watching a David Lynch film in general). This discomfort occurred when the discussion turned to marriage as it correlates with the will of God.

One couple in the group was married while they were still in school. They explained how most of their friends and family were completely against their college nuptials, but they really felt that God was calling them to get married. This, however, wasn’t what raised my ire. What was upsetting to me was that the defense of their decision suddenly turned into an attack on those who don’t marry young.

It was suggested that the world tells us we need to establish ourselves, figure out who we are and begin a career before we settle down (perish the thought!) and this isn’t Biblical. They even went so far as to say that remaining single after a certain age is a sign of religious immaturity. An individual who is 35 and still partying is selfish and juvenile.

It was at this point that I had to jump in. I began my statement of defense by explaining that my singlehood wasn’t an assault on the will of God. The fact that I’m single has nothing to do with me following the “ways of the world” over God’s way. Marriage just hadn’t happened for me at this point and I am OK with that. It doesn’t mean I’m immature or selfish. It just means I’m on a different path than apparently everyone else in the group, and it hasn’t been an easy path by any means. In my opinion it is a much more difficult path with regards to Christianity.

In defense of the individuals who made the remarks, I don’t think they honestly believe it is sinful to be single. I think it was more an attempt at being supportive of the couples who chose to marry young. And the comments certainly don’t reflect the view of the church body as a whole. In fact, this church has been one of the best in terms of embracing its single population of any I’ve ever attended.

Still, this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like my lack of a wedding band might as well be a big red S emblazoned on my chest (no I’m not referring to Superman). Despite the Apostle Paul’s thoughts on matrimony, there are a number of Christians who look down on single individuals for a myriad of reasons, some of which were enumerated in the “against God’s will” speech on Wednesday evening. And though it’s never been a view accepted by any denomination that I’m aware of, many of churches have a long way to go in making the single contingency feel like they belong on the same level as the families. Sure they have teen groups and outreach programs for college students, but once you get that diploma you better be paired off or you’re on your own from this point forward.

It’s hard enough to be a Christian single of a “certain age” without being made to feel like a pariah in the very place that is supposed to offer sanctuary from the struggles of the world. Christians who are fortunate enough to have found their smoochie bear while they were still in diapers should be supportive—not judging—of singles. (Also, keep in mind that “supportive” does not mean “patronizing” or “condescending.”) Understand that though their path is different from yours, it isn’t the wrong path. Be respectful and mindful of how you broach the subject of marriage and singlehood.

I’m not saying any of this to discourage singles from attending church, just the opposite. I know it’s easy to feel like you are completely alone—I’ve certainly been there—but you’re not. So, embrace who you are as an single and do what you can to bolster others in the same position. Christian singles should become a very vocal minority in their churches so that thoughtless, short-sighted individuals (also in the minority and also very vocal) don’t alienate singles to the point of driving them away from the church and Christianity altogether.  

SWF Seeks Church

Of all the struggles a single girl must face, most people wouldn’t think that finding a church would be one of them. However, when you take into consideration the fact that most churches are completely comprised of young families and older couples, it can start to feel like a quest for a Mommy and Me group rather than a place to worship.

I started filtering out churches based on the timing of their women’s bible studies. Many were held in the middle of the day when no single woman with any semblance of a career could attend. From there I tried out a few churches and most of their services centered around the family and coping with struggles in a marriage—not exactly something a 20 something girl without even a glimpse of marriage on the horizon can relate to. Thankfully I came across this points system to assist me in my search.

It’s not that the sole reason I attend a church is to be validated in my current life situation, but it would be nice to find someplace that can offer me some sort of spiritual guidance without subtly indicating that I went wrong somewhere along the way because I haven’t hitched myself to a nice man on the straight and narrow and started producing little miracles. Also, the spiritual needs of a single person are different from those in a family and it is necessary that a church be equipped to meet those needs just as readily as it meets the needs of its married parishioners.

I was grateful when I found the Urban Refuge. From the moment I walked in the doors I was thrilled with the atmosphere. The congregation was a mix of people from all walks of life including singles and families. I was greeted by an individual in the church who made sure that I felt welcome (but not in a creepy, cult-like kind of way, you know what I’m talking about). The sermons have been about improving our relationships with everyone in our lives as well as our relationships with God rather than our marriage relationships. I’ve only attended a couple times, but I think this church has found the balance that many haven’t even bothered to reach for.