I Resolve to Find Me a Man in 2012?

Resolution 2012: Complete.

Ok I’m back from my unintentional holiday hiatus. I’m sure I was missed terribly. And in keeping with the obligatory themed posts this one is going to be about resolutions, kids. Well part of it’s due to the New Year’s resolution shtick and part of it’s because a friend of mine made some quip the other day about how I wanted a man more than the average sow (that’s a female bear). I took great offense to this statement despite the fact that he didn’t believe he was being offensive. To me he was saying, “you are desperate and in need of a boyfriend because you’re obviously no good without one.” To him he was saying, well, I’m still not clear on what he thinks he was saying.

Regardless, a quick check of Facebook this morning proved I’m in no way ahead of the curve in the pining department. There was no shortage of girls mourning the fact that they had closed out 2011 without a man, resolving to change that in 2012. My initial reaction was passing judgment on their pitiful goal. Then I scolded myself for being a stupid wench about it. Who am I to assail what is important to someone else? Especially something that’s obviously important to me on some level. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t have an entire blog devoted to spewing about the very topic. So the many, many cats wearing hand-knitted sweaters are out of the bag on that one. I guess I just have trouble reconciling the desire to be paired off someday with something I actively have control over.

It’s probably that absurd little romantic in me who recklessly clings to the belief in twu wuv that cannot be planned or brought about by my strategic efforts. It seems fruitless to vow to change something about your life that you seemingly have no control over. The clichéd resolutions can all be achieved with a little discipline on behalf of the resolvee. Want to lose weight? Start working out and eat a meal that doesn’t come out of a box once in awhile. Quit smoking? Stop buying cigarettes. Become a pop star? Throw on a Beanie Baby bra, soul-crushing footwear and a blue wig. Boom. Pop star. See? Easy and fully strategic.

Resolving to meet the man of my dreams in 2012 just makes the whole thing seem forced and unnatural. And I’m not even sure I’m ready for Prince Charming. I’ve got crap I wanna do yet. But I’m pretty sure there is always going to be crap I wanna do. That’s why it’s lovely to think that he will actually just show up – as the atrocious little saying goes – when I’m least expecting it. Still, this chica has a point in number one. It’s perfectly acceptable and admirable even to have clear intentions for yourself and those intentions should be backed up by action in some way. So while you can’t force a relationship, you can do more to open yourself up to meeting your ball and chain.

I used to think this meant putting myself out there at the usual scene. Making the first move. But that’s just not me. I’m the girl dammit. And even though it’s good to step outside your comfort zone to meet your goals, doing something that makes you feel like a fish with a bicycle or a hipster with a car and a job isn’t going to do you or the potential squeezemuffin any favors. Plus, as evidenced this weekend, if I actively go for it, the whole thing will inevitably crash and burn when his boyfriend walks in. But that’s a tale for when you’re a little older.

I’ve since realized carrying out some of my other resolutions may just put me on the path to lurve. I may meet someone at my dance class (yes, I know, this will likely just lead to another “oh you have a boyfriend?” situation). Or someone may realize how cool I am while I’m writing my novel at a coffee shop. Or perhaps I will fall in love with some charming European during the trip I swore I was going to take. Just putting yourself in the position to meet new people will increase the possibility that one of those new people will be your very own Him. Plus those other resolutions to get fit and shower more than once a week will just make you all the more appealing when you do meet cute.

So the moral of the story is: your resolution can be whatever you want. No judgment from me. I’m sure you’re relieved. 

Obligatory Annual I’m Single On Christmas Post

With the holiday season comes all those warm fuzzy feelings that often lead to the more single of us to wish Santa would bring us someone with whom we can share a series of eggnog-soaked activities. I can’t lie (obviously since I’ve over-confessed much to you fine people for the past two years), I’ve had my “All I want for Christmas is you, whoever you may be, because I have only a very generic idea of you in my mind” moments. I get doubly nailed with single awareness events given the fact that my birthday is this month as well. Which means I’m just one year closer to throwing myself a wedding-themed birthday party. (Not really. That’s just frightening.)

But I still adore this time of year with every tinsel of my being. And I can continue to embrace it whether unattached or in a relationship that lies in the balance just one thoughtless gift away from tipping in the wrong direction. The fact is being unattached this time of year does allow me to spend every moment of Advent the way I so choose. After all being in a relationship means splitting the holidays between two sets of families, companies, friends, etc. So, I get to selfishly go to Christmas parties where I’m not forced to make conversation with someone else’s gawky coworkers or prove myself to a volatile room full of potential in-laws.

But even if I experienced the crippling loneliness that is apparently suppose to overcome me this time of year, I don’t think I would take this route to remedy the problem. I understand (or hope) that there is humor intended in his proposal. But it’s still a li’l skeevey. Especially considering the fact that he is clearly playing on the insecurities of women who look for men on Craig’s List (she’s sexy, you know it’s true because she said it three times in the first two sentences). Ok, I shouldn’t judge. It’s online dating, the same as the sites I’ve tried, I suppose. But with a more abbreviated process and absolutely no security measures in place. (And fewer options ostensibly as every last one of the girls is either curvy or 120 lbs.)

Really I have no main theme (as illustrated by the complete lack of continuity) for this post other than the fact that it’s the Christmas season and I’m supposed to feel terribly alone and yet somehow I don’t this year. I guess I’m just railing against the expectation that I am required to loathe all things merry and bright because I’m single. The number of articles and Christmas specials that suggest my icy single heart must be so depressed this time of year (the Grinch being president of the lonely hearts club, of course) greatly outnumber any that suggest that this season means more than something singletons have to get through.

I’m not even sure why it has to be about being coupley. There’s Valentine’s for that. Sure it’s about family and looooove, but believe it or not, predictable media, single people have families too. We also have friends to love and share special Christmas moments with. So there! We’re not going to get down about our missing sleigh rider partners just because you (and sorta last-year me) say we should. We will do more than persevere. We will thrive and remember that the reason for the season (yeah I went with the Christian cliché) was single too. Heck yeah! And, as an added bonus, He loves us more than any husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or pet cat ever could.

Personally, I think remembering that could serve me well no matter what time of year it is. The understanding that no real validation will come from anything outside of Him makes finding someone re-enact creepy Christmas carols* with seem much less important.

*This is actually one of my favorite Christmas songs even if it is a bit date rapey

“For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate.”

For the past two weeks I’ve come across a barrage of survival guides designed to help singletons make it through the ever-so-challenging holiday that is Valentine’s Day. This is the day that is supposed to make you feel miserable because you lack that special pooh bear to send loverly flowers to your work (because it doesn’t count if others don’t see it, sort of an if a bear poops in the woods kind of thing) and recreate the perfect Zales moment just for you. Alas, whatever shall I do to make it through with no one to love?

While I have fallen victim to holiday-induced pity parties, Valentine’s has never sparked any sort of sadness. Last year I explained that I’ve never taken the day as an assault on the single populous. I always had my own traditions that were completely disassociated with the romantic, mushy sentiments of the day. This year, the weekend was occupied with a visiting friend from high school. Unfortunately, this made it impossible for me to host the annual all-girls Valentine’s, but it still meant spending time with people who’ve unfailingly been a part of my life for more than ten years.

I’m not going to go into a detailed discussion of the origins of the holiday and how the martyred saint(s) actually had nothing to do with love. Nor am I going to offer up cheesy advice about how to endure this day that is so obviously going to destroy your soul as a single person if you aren’t careful. I can only suggest that you spend the day as it suits you.

Honestly, even though I think it’s absurd that Glamour, Comso, and the world at large all think being single requires a decisive game plan on Valentine’s Day, I get that it might be disheartening for some. So what? Let it be. If you want to watch a few romantic comedies and fully sulk in your singleness for one day, go ahead. (Just please for the love of all that is good in the world, do not rent the god-awful “Love Actually” knock-off that is “Valentine’s Day.” Seriously, how can one movie suck so hard?)

I’m a firm believer that accepting those not-so-pleasant moments in life and letting them wash over you when need be is cathartic and healthy. Sometimes all you need is a good cry dammit. (Look at me going all Joyce Brothers; please take my counsel with a boulder of salt, I’m far from a licensed professional.)

On the flip side, don’t let the stigma associated with the day force you out of sorts. Just because a bevy of women’s magazines tell you that you are going to be depressed on this day, doesn’t mean you have to be. You (hopefully) don’t listen to them every time they come up with some fantastic (read: terrible) “Top Ten Ways to Leave Your Man Wanting More,” so don’t pretend they could possibly know more about your emotional well being and innermost feelings than you do. 

Andy Williams is a Damned Liar

Since before I can remember, I’ve looked forward to Christmas with an over-excited anticipation rivaled only by this kid. I still love decorating my tree, baking Christmas cookies and selecting the perfect gifts for my friends and family. But after spending the Thanksgiving with my happily paired off family, a gloom has fallen over the once festive time.

(I’m sorry again for the sappy, pathetic post. Apparently something was knocked lose a few weeks ago. And by something, I mean the logical, emotionally mature portion of my brain.)

During most of the year I appreciate my single status—though lately the truth seems to be draining from that statement—but at Christmas I am surrounded by saccharine couple love that seems to be further sweetened by the holiday lights and spiked eggnog. ‘Tis the season for smitten couples, holiday proposals (I witnessed three during one trip to Rockefeller Center last New Year’s), and Mr. & Mrs.’s first Christmas. My immediate family has grown by two lovely sister-in-laws in the past couple years. And though they are a blessing to my two love struck brothers, it can be a bit strange being the only sibling who hasn’t held her own in the family expansion.

In addition to the seemingly increased visibility of the happily-ever-afters, there are so many activities the holidays bring that appeal to my dormant romantic side. Activities that inevitably trigger my desire to join the ranks of the blissfully attached. Work Christmas parties can be a challenge when you are the only individual lacking a plus one. (Though this year, I think I may actually have company at the singles table—yet another perk of the new gig.) Viewings of holiday movies tend to be more fun when they involve nauseating cuddling. And New Year’s without someone to smoochie poo when the ball drops is a bit of a let down.

I have no intention of picking up some random yet willing sucker to couple up with for the holidays so I’m left with one of two options. Wallow and embrace the delicious seasonal drinks that will mask self-pitying alcoholism as festive imbibing or continue to enjoy the numerous perks of a singleton including the freedom to spend the holidays with spectacular friends and family.

When I started this post I was so focused on the crappy aspects of a holiday spent alone and the truth is, there is a great deal of seasonal fun to be had with my detached friends. Ice skating at the Depot can be a mighty fine time even without a cuddly bear to break your fall. And building ginger bread houses with the girls can be a lot more fun than sharing the activity with a pouty scrooge who begrudgingly adheres red hots to a slanted ginger roof in attempt to placate you and your hyperactive holiday spirit. Also the lack of a guy to spend an inordinate amount on frees up funds so I can put more under the tree for friends who mean more to me than some of the passing ships on whom I’ve spent stupid cash and hours of time finding the perfect Star Wars/Sports/Insert other lame guy thing here-themed gift.

So maybe I was wrong, maybe Andy Williams isn’t a damned liar. Perhaps I just need to pull myself out of my absurd, self-induced malaise and enjoy the season for what it is.

The Anti-Valentine's Day

I couldn’t let Valentine’s pass without writing a blog, it’s pretty much expected. However, this one isn’t going to be the quintessential, bitter Valentine’s Day-is-complete-crap blog. I actually enjoy the holiday. It has never been associated with that much romance for me though. With the exception of a couple years, boyfriend or no, I celebrated the day with friends. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had some boyfriends who have made the day special for me in a lot of ways, but my most memorable ones had nothing to do with the romantic love that has come to be expected of the day.

In elementary it meant stuffing Valentines into boxes decorated with cut-out hearts, paper doilies and pink and red glitter. When junior high rolled around, I anticipated getting dressed up and going to awkward dances and socializing with my friends on the bleachers of the gym turned dance hall. While I was in high school I spent the day watching sappy chick flicks and eating junk food at Lindsey Schmidt’s house.

In most recent years, I’ve turned the day into a celebration of my girlfriends. We pamper ourselves, have a nice dinner together and enjoy a few drinks and great conversation at various bars around town. I’ve really come to look forward to getting dressed up and spending the day with vibrant women who impact my life. I don’t even feel that we do it to combat bitterness or loneliness; it’s just a good reason for us to add a little occasion to spending time with each other.

I’ve never really felt that my singleness is thrown in my face on this day. In fact, I don’t think it is anything less than a blessing at this point in my life. I am facing some major life changes and some great opportunities that I wouldn’t be able to take advantage of if I were tied down. I also wouldn’t have the confidence to push myself to take on these new challenges if it weren’t for some of the amazing women I call my friends. For that reason, it seems completely natural to celebrate with them this year. So, to all the women (and some men too ;-)) in my life who encourage and stand by me, Happy Valentine’s Day!